Divine Experiment

Leading up to the start of the Divine Experiment, I began asking the Lord to point out an area that I could surrender to him. When I felt like he kept bringing up coffee as a possible candidate, I was a little confused. (If your thinking that surrendering coffee to the Lord seems a little strange, then we have something in common.) Initially, I didn't see any disadvantages from my addiction to coffee (minus the expense). Coffee provides me with extra energy when my feet are dragging a little, gives me the attention span to decipher my professors' thick international accents, and acts as a great excuse to hangout with dearly-loved friends. However, when the Lord asked me to examine how often I turn to coffee instead of him for refreshment, I was taken aback. I quickly began to justify each  of the 3-5 cups/day I consume in order to quench my exhaustion.

I'll be honest. I didn't think coffee was something I could give up. Coming up with a million and one excuses to not include this area in my fast, I decided I'd fast from social media and "wait on the Lord" for something else...

Around the start of the second week, a friend asked me how my Divine Experiment was going, I told her everything (including how I had wanted to fast from coffee, but didn't feel strong enough). She really encouraged me to go ahead and try surrendering this area to the Lord and including it in the rest of the fast. So I decided I would cover the idea in prayer and go for it.

Day 1 with no coffee was absolutely horrible...I felt so sluggish the whole day. I wanted so desperately to just grab an iced coffee before class, so I wouldn't have to fight heavy eyelids. However, because of the Lord's grace I was able to resist hopping in line at the on-campus Starbucks to order my routine iced Americano. Now that those few minutes before class are not filled with scrolling through social media OR waiting in line for coffee, that time started to look a little different. I soon realized that in order to have the energy I needed to focus in class or at work I would have to rely solely on the Lord. Constantly reminding myself of this very fact focused my mind on what I was gaining through the Lord, rather than losing through my unattended newsfeed.

While, it didn't get any easier to turn down a delicious Mochalada during the third week, relying on the Lord did. Trust me, I learned that the Lord can provide way more energy than any $4 cup of coffee. By week 3, I truly believe my body switched from thriving off caffeine to being fueled by the joy of the Lord! 

Yes, I have returned to drinking coffee. But, when Day 22 rolled around I didn't jump on the opportunity. I now understand why in the world the Lord was asking me to give up my little "mug of happiness". HE wanted to fill my cup with himself instead. Let me be the one to bring you refreshment and new energy. Let me give you a joy that is overwhelming and long-lasting, not artificial and short-lived. So, while it may sound silly to say that the Lord works through your coffee addiction, I'm not going to deny the Lord's doing when it's right there in front of me.

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Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus, whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago.
                                                                                   -Acts 3:19-21 
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"Overwhelmed is My Soul"

Broken was my name. 
Ashamed was my identity. 
Pride was my excuse. 
Weakness was my reasoning. 
Empty was my soul. 

But then, then you broke through. 

Brokenness became my offering. 
Shame became detached. 
Pride became humbled at your feet. 
Weakness became confidence in your promises. 
Satisfied became my soul. 

And now, now I know. 

Chosen is my name. 
Redeemed is my identity.
You are my excuse. 
Your steadfast love is my reasoning. 
Overwhelmed is my soul. 

Thank you, Jesus. 

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Blinded

As I was reading through Acts this past week, I couldn't get this passage out of my mind. Take a look at Acts 9. Right before this chapter we find out that Saul has basically been beating down people's doors and dragging them off to prison just for believing in Jesus. In chapter 9 he decides to continue onward to Damascus in pursuit of a similar goal. At this point, Saul's biggest concern and probably most prevalent thing on his mind is persecuting the name of Christ.  However, little does he know, the name of Christ is the very thing that will soon shatter all other indulgences. He will soon become wrecked by Jesus and indulge in his beauty alone. Out of fear, Saul crumples to the ground and timidly asks, "Who are you Lord?" After this interaction Saul opens his eyes, but he sees nothing. He has been blinded by the very luminescence of the Lord.

Recently, I've been asking that very same question myself. Who are you Lord? Honestly, I felt like I had kind of lost sight of who Jesus is. With that, came an avoidance of really calling on his name. However, the Lord definitely answered that prayer this last week by revealing his role in this passage. The Lord temporarily blinded Saul, forcing the once prideful and seemingly supreme man to fall to the ground in humility and absolute fear. What does this have to do with me? Unfortunately, I was not physically blinded by the presence of God. However, the Lord magnetized my attention to him in a different way. This past Friday morning at AMP (A.M. Prayer) a lot of the set was focused on how truly worthy Jesus is of worship. We sang through lyrics about the beauty of Jesus, the glory of Jesus, and his incredible worth. In the middle of that set, it hit me. Everything else became irrelevant, as every word that left my lips became the absolute desires of my longing heart for my King. All I wanted was Jesus, nothing else could satisfy. I was rightly blinded by love for him. I fell in love with Jesus again. 

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Post LT Depression?

LT-life: beautiful Estes Park, Colorado, prayer, deep conversations, worship, Jesus, restoration, healing, community, and woodland creatures.

Post-LT life: humid College Station, TX, exhausting, Calculus, Physics, Statistics, tutoring, homework, reading, and Google Calendar.

If you are reading this you are probably thinking to yourself, "Yep, that's definitely post-LT depression." And I would happen to agree with you...to an extent. The sad reality is that, yes, eventually all of my friends from other universities would have to return to their respective states and carry on with life. I would be lying to say that I don't truly miss my friends, but being back in the "real world" has forced me to integrate my experiences at LT into the craziness of life in C-Stat. While College Station is absolutely nothing like the beautiful scenery of the Rocky Mountain National Park, I'm beginning to appreciate it for its own unique beauty--a beauty that exists past the tan concrete buildings and oak trees that populate the campus. (I'll get back to that in a minute.)

My first week of class was not what I really had in mind. I found myself going in and out of minor panic attacks during class when the professor would ask if there was anyone who wasn't an engineering major in the room. Me and a few others would timidly raise our hands. Obviously I'm the odd one out, which left me questioning. Am I smart enough to be in these classes? Is this all really worth it? More importantly, is this the track the Lord wants me on? Outside of class, I took a job as a math tutor in Peer Academic Services. So with work and class combined, I'm stuck on campus for most of the day. Add homegroup responsibilities on top of that, and that creates one stressed out college student.

However, I did say that I'm learning to appreciate the beauty of where I'm at. If you read any of my blog from this summer, you've probably heard me talk about a passion for the lost stirring in my heart. Well, nothing new there. It's still a stirrin'. What is new is how it's affecting my life at A&M. Prior to this summer, I sat in my classes (like most students do) and never as much as looked in the direction of the individuals sitting 4" away from me on either side. Prior to this summer, I was under the assumption that the majority of students at A&M were Christ-following disciples. Prior to this summer, I believed that all international students wanted nothing to do with Americans. However, I've learned that, yes, humans do like to interact with other humans (shocker!). Everyone likes to feel cared about and paid attention to. So, long story short, this summer has completely changed my perspective of how I view the campus of Texas A&M University. I'm beginning to understand that God is a much bigger part of the "college experience" than I had ever imagined.

As for feeling overwhelmed already, that's a lack of trust on my part. I still feel pretty strongly that the Lord is calling me to be a high school educator, so I'm kind of required to accept the challenge of the courses that seem like too much. I've realized, after this week, that this semester is going to take a lot of dependency on the Lord.  I have a gut feeling that he's planning on growing me in that area even more than he has in the last 3 months.

So...post-LT depression? Maybe a little, but I'm beginning to see the beauty of where the Lord has me.

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LT (Week 11)

Well, I started my last work week Friday. As I'm trying to hangout with as many people as possible before we go back to our respective campuses, I'm reminded that this is "getting real". Soon, several of the people I've been living with and working with everyday for the past 3 months will not be returning to Texas with me. I knew it was bound to happen, but it's just becoming more and more undeniable. I think I am in a slight state of denial though. I'm sure as I drive out of the mountains for the last time this summer in 7 days, it will hit me...

This week has been pretty difficult. A couple insecurities have crept into my thoughts as I'm attempting to stay focused on keeping a positive attitude about being here. I've been writing for a couple weeks about my struggles with being present, but I think I've about hit a breaking point. I feel exhausted from being here (spiritually and physically). It should be no surprise to me that in a place of weakness, I'm vulnerable to attack. But, for some reason it took me a little by surprise. I quickly turned to self-condemning thoughts--telling myself that I've already accepted freedom from these things. While this is completely true, the enemy loves to twist even the acceptance of freedom.

However, this week was not difficult for negative reasons alone.

Several weeks ago I had mentioned that a couple relationships with different people had been put on my heart. I had written, "I'm afraid to go deeper in complete fear that doing so would be neither received or appreciated." Well, the Lord pretty clearly labeled that statement as a lie this week. This week the Lord gave me a renewed hope for those relationships. It doesn't mean the strengthening process is easy---it never is. At first, I experienced every single type of emotion when thinking about these relationships. However, through processing with the Lord's help, I've been able to see the bigger picture of what he's doing. Things are being pieced together, and it's a beautiful picture. I truly trust the Lord now. I can see how he's already bringing restoration to these areas, and it is so so sweet.

Some pics from this week:

My awesome project group after we bought these lovely clothes for each other from a thrift store.

My precious lifegroup (Tierra, Alaina, and Jessie). 

Some of the International students I've met this summer. 

During the making of our Avengers-themed project group video. 

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LT (Week 10)

Less than 2 weeks...

My mind has been extremely busy this week--making it difficult to spend time with the Lord. Of course the future--near and far--is still a forerunner of the seemingly endless list of thoughts that pass through each day. I've felt pretty discontent with myself for not making time for the Lord. I'm anxious to leave, and I'm anxious for this next semester. However, Wednesday morning He sweetly reminded me of my need for Him once again. I felt the Lord really putting it on my heart to have a night of prayer and worship, literally a whole night. So, after LT service on Tuesday several of us gathered in one of the chapels to pursue prayer and worship into the morning hours. Within that time I was reminded of the Lord's true love for me (kind of a recent theme), and my unquestionable need for Him. As I read through Romans 8 the Lord made this extremely clear:

..."but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!'"...

...."the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words"...

..."Christ Jesus is the one who died--who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us"... 

..."nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

As it got to be around 5am, I found myself in a state of weakness and vulnerability. My voice was tired of singing and my fingers sore from playing, but that's when He stepped in. Why won't you let Me provide you with strength Jordan? "Because I'm worshiping you. Wouldn't that be counterproductive?" Nope. In that moment I was reminded that I even need His help to worship Him. Worship isn't a simple task I pursue individually. No, it's an intricately woven meeting of my heart with His. 

What the Lord's been teaching me this week: 
-I'm still in need of constant reminders of His love for me. 
-I'm still in need of constant reminders of my desperation and need for Him. 

I've been horrible at taking pics these last couple of weeks, so here's some more from earlier in the summer:

 Spending the day at Kind Coffee with Sharon, Meagan, and Julie. 

Enjoying some Hayley's Ice Cream in Estes. 

I found snow! (On the Emerald Lake hike.)

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LT (Week 9)

All I have to say is...3 weeks. In that short amount of time, I will be leaving this beautiful place I've called home for the summer. While I am expectantly awaiting the day I will drive Petunia out of the mountains, there is no doubt it will be a bittersweet feeling. It has definitely been a struggle to be in the present...

Leaving is not the only bittersweet idea consuming my thoughts this week. This week in particular marks a year since I rode a horse out of the arena at the Palomino World Championship Horse Show. As the World Show roles around once again, a wide variety of emotions begin to surface. Some days I long to be on a horse so badly I can hardly stand it, but I quickly draw back at the thought of the deep seeds of pride and success so deeply wound around my heart during that time. A year ago the Lord told me to check my priorities. That's when I realized I had made winning an idol. Honestly, I soaked up the rewards that accompanied showing horses--feelings of accomplishment and prestige. This week has been a time to step back and reflect on the journey the Lord has taken me on in the past year...I kind of feel like journey might be an understatement. Maybe "odyssey"* would be more appropriate?  

I've been apathetic, and I've been sensitive. I've been broken in certain areas and healed in others. I've learned how to hurt, and I've learned how to forgive. At moments, I've been completely filled with joy. At moments, I've been completely overcome by loneliness and depression. I've feared for the future. I've rejoiced in His promises.  I've been proud. I've been humbled. I've been bitter at the Lord, and I've wept in desperation for Him. 

Around this time last year, I got an image of this painting. Initially a white canvas was presented. Paint of various colors began to pollute the emptiness--strokes and splatters in seemingly random chaos. Each stroke looked grotesque as the colors began to clash against one another, fighting to distract the eye. After several strokes, however, the colors began to compliment each other in an oddly unforeseen way.  Finally, after taking a step back the masterpiece that existed before me was exquisite. I couldn't believe that something so intricately beautiful had come from a once bare canvas. 

In the past year, the Lord has been doing His fair share of "polluting" on the canvas of my heart. So, even though this week has brought up emotionally delicate memories, He has reminded me of the masterpiece He's continually working on. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us a new in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Eph. 2:10)

Some pics for the week...

Nathan, me, Kat, and Kyle enjoying a day off in Boulder. 

Me and Sawyu before she left for Thailand. 

Beautiful sunrise at Mountainside.

*odyssey: a long and eventful journey; a ridiculously legit homegroup (ironic much?) 

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LT (Week 8)

This week was so good...until Wednesday. 

I've been feeling really restless about being here, and I have the desire to run away from it. I’m so tired of being stuck in this routine. After talking to a couple different people, the answer seemed clear...I needed a Sabbath--just a day completely devoted to meeting with the Lord. So, I set my alarm for 5am, threw my guitar, a hammock, and my backpack in Petunia Prius and drove up to Mountainside to watch the sunrise Wednesday morning. I had every intention of staying up on the mountain the whole day, but when I sensed that the presence of the Lord was completely absent, I became overwhelmingly anxious. I tried worshipping. I tried reading the Word. I tried praying. I tried being silent...

I drove back down the mountain and decided it was time to get away. Without really any direction or plan, I found myself on the highway to Boulder. All I wanted to do was spend time with the Lord, and if that required driving a while by myself I was completely fine with that. I actually enjoy driving time because Petunia Prius usually doubles as a prayer room. So as I drove, I cried out to the Lord in confusion about what was happening. Longing for intimacy with him, I prayed "Let's go away together Lord. Take me on an adventure today." When I arrived in Boulder, I found a little coffee shop and began to journal. However, anxiety began to overwhelm me once again as I processed through what I was actually feeling. I'm really anxious about what the future holds and how I'm going to get there. I'm anxious about the time between now and then. I'm anxious about having to be in the present. 

That night, I feel like the Lord gave me a picture of a puzzle piece. This summer he's revealed a couple tiny puzzle pieces. While those pieces may be extremely important to the purpose of what will happen in the next 5 years, they don't provide the details about years 1 through 4. Faith will be required to wait patiently as the Lord unveils the other 499 pieces of the puzzle in his timing. 

While it's exciting to have vision for the next year, I need to be here now. I still have a whole month left of LT. Obviously there is still things the Lord wants to teach me, or I wouldn't have had a day like Wednesday. He's not done growing me, shaping me, molding me. I will always be his work in progress. So, while the future is extremely exciting, the Lord has me right here, right now.  

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:
-He's not done with me this summer.
-I will continually be a "work in progress." 
-He will be faithful in unveiling the rest of the puzzle, but only in his timing. 

Some Pics from this Week: 

Sunrise from Mountainside.

Mr. Elk. 

Wildflowers at the outdoor chapel. 

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Longing for Heavenly Things

Hey, check out this blog. I read it this morning, and it was such an encouragement! 

http://seekonething.com/2013/07/02/a-heavenly-vision/

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LT (Week 7)

This week has been yet another seven days filled with highs and lows...

A couple relationships have really been put on my heart this week. I've become aware of how afraid I am of changing how I interact with certain people. Honestly, I'm afraid to go deeper in complete fear that doing so would be neither received or appreciated. The emotional distance between us has grown farther and farther throughout the years. Hurt works its way to the surface as I'm reminded of exactly how wide that gap is.   My whole being longs to know each of these individuals better. I want so badly for our relationships to be a safe place for one another. Instead I'm met with towering walls too high to allow the vulnerability of the heart to pierce its thickness. In a way, I'm thankful that the Lord has brought this up because I'm reassured that I haven't become apathetic. I'm attempting to rely on the Lord in my grief over what has become of these relationships and trust that in his time there will be healing and understanding.

During project day, we went to Boulder for evangelism. I woke up that morning with absolutely no explanation for how I was feeling. Expecting nervousness, I was surprised by eagerness. When we arrived in Boulder, everyone was put into pairs and sent out. My partner and I walked around for a little while praying for the Lord to put specific people on our heart. Man, did he provide. We had several good conversations with a variety of people from differing backgrounds and religious practices. I think one of the most encouraging conversations was with a man named Doug. Raised in the Presbyterian church, Doug was very familiar with the Christian church. However, when asked why he decided to pursue Atheism instead, the wounds began to surface. He explained how he found Christians incredibly hypocritical and obsessed with the church. My partner and I began to speak truth into the lies he had believed about Christianity. Some kind of seed was definitely planted within those deserted lies as he told us how appreciative he was that we were talking about what following Jesus was really intended to look like. Even though we will most likely never see Doug again, I trust that the Lord is going to continue working on his heart.  

Prayer Requests for Boulder:

• Alexis is a Buddhist who is now studying Christianity. Pray that the Lord would reveal himself to her through her studies. 
• Jordan is an Atheist who just got laid off from his job as a pilot. Pray that he would see the Lord's faithfulness for the first time in his search of a job.  
• Doug is an Atheist who has been hurt by hypocritical Christians and the church. Pray that he would be able to look beyond religion and see the intimacy and truth of Jesus. 
• Rob is a Christian who was laid off from his job a couple of months ago (leaving him homeless) who is travelling to Alaska in search of work. Pray that he would continue to praise the Lord even in his current trials. 

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:
-Nothing I can do out of my own strength will mend a hurting relationship. 
-I do have a heart for evangelism. 
-Even if I don't feel equipped to share, the Lord provides opportunities for me to learn. 

Some Pics from the Week: 

Most of the girls from my project group celebrating Hayley's birthday in town. 

Me, Emily, and Julie at dinner. 

Project day in Boulder. 

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LT (Week 6)

I would have to say the main theme of this week was the Lord's presence.

"...Love and mercy and righteousness are His, and holiness so ineffable that no comparisons or figures will avail to express it. Only fire can give even a remote conception of it. In fire He appeared at the burning bush; in the pillar of fire He dwelt through all the long wilderness journey. The fire that glowed between the wings of the cherubim in the holy place was called the 'shekinah,' the Presence, through the years of Israel's glory, and when the Old had given place to the New, he came at Pentecost as a fiery flame and rested upon each disciple."

After reading this paragraph in Tozer's "Pursuit of God", I wanted to know more. The term "shekinah" stood out in particular. I knew little about the term, so I decided to do some research. This is what I found:

• shekinah does not actually appear in the translated Bible 
• means the "dwelling" or "settling"
• denotes the dwelling/settling of the divine presence of God (especially in the Temple in Jerusalem)
• comes from the Hebrew verb meaning settle, inhabit, or dwell
• Can also refer to birds' nesting (I thought this was an interesting translation because of the parallel between the Spirit nesting/making his home within us.) 
• examples: 
• The glory of the LORD dwelt on Mount Sinai, and the cloud covered it six days. And on the seventh day he called to Moses out of the midst of the cloud. (Exodus 24:16)
• And Moses was not able to enter the tent of meeting because the cloud settled on it, and the glory of the LORD filled the tabernacle. (Exodus 40:35)
• So it was always: the cloud covered it by day and the appearance of fire by night. And whenever the cloud lifted from over the tent, after that the people of Israel set out, and in the place where the cloud settled down, there the people of Israel camped. (Numbers 9:16-17)
• And the word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as from the only son from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John 1:14)

The next day I read the chapter about rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem and Nehemiah's heart for the city in "The Story," and yet again I was reminded of the Lord's presence. When Nehemiah gets the news that the wall is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire, he just sits down and weeps (Nehemiah 1: 3-4). He mourns for days. Nehemiah was upset because Jerusalem was where the temple was (the center of how God was bringing the world back to him), and it was completely exposed. Within the temple, dwelt the Shekinah in the holy of holies. Nehemiah had a sweetly reverent heart for the Lord's presence. His heart broke for what broke the Lord's heart.  

In the chapter's corresponding sermon, the pastor asked a question to the extent of,

“Is your heart too preoccupied to allow it to break for what breaks the Lord’s heart?”

This really hit me. Looking at Nehemiah's heart, it made me examine my own. Do I cherish the presence of the Lord like Nehemiah did? Is my heart broken for the abundance of people that don't understand His grace? 

Lord, I have an aching desire right now to feel your presence in this way. You’ve given me a glimpse of what Shekinah is, and Lord, I want it. I invite you to completely tear the veil to my heart. I invite you in to your holy of holies in my heart to dwell there. I want to know the fullness of your Holy Spirit burning within me. I know it is already there ready to meet with me, so I offer myself. Take your place Lord.

"Shekinah Glory" by Cory Asbury

Some Pics from the Week: 

Enjoying a great hike to Emerald Lake with these Aggies on our day off. 

Emerald Lake. 

 Mr. Marmot. 

Project day at the top of Gem Lake. 

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LT (Week 5)

What in the world to say about this week?

Work this week was really good. For the majority of the week, I was doing housekeeping in lodges (which is a pretty big change if you are used to working in cabins all the time). However, I feel like the Lord provided some pretty amazing experiences this week through that. I remember being pretty pessimistic about being in lodges before the workday had started, but like I said, the Lord provided. Wednesday had to be  (hands down) my favorite day of work so far. I was a lodge crew leader for a crew consisting of all LT participants. Throughout the day we shared testimonies, had a bed-making tournament (based on time and quality), and laughed a lot. It was incredible to see how the Lord could be present even through an otherwise not very glamorous job.

Thursday night, I attended the routine LT service. However, what the Lord did within me that night was far from routine. As John Drage spoke about things we tend to hold onto and what it meant to surrender, questions began to well up inside of me--most prominently: What am I not surrendering? As different relationships, past situations, and even future goals came to mind, I found myself quick to justify my reasonings for holding on. I began to wrestle with why I wasn't able to surrender. In that place, the Lord provided again. He began to help me maneuver through the mess, making me realize that I was clinging on unyieldingly--adamant to not let the Lord have his way within. However, as the captive areas began to slip through my fingers and into the Lord's, my heart began to breathe again. The past couple of days have been filled with immense joy. Finally, my heart is catching a glimpse of what true healing and restoration look like. 

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:
-He provides in unexpected ways.
-He knows what I need even if I'm completely oblivious.
-His process of healing is exactly that, a process. 

Some Pics from the Week: 

This is our attempt at "strolling like the Beatles"...

Clark came to visit! 

Beautiful sunset. 

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LT (Week 4)

I've come to the realization that this week has been quite disconnected and confusing for me. In addition to this blog, I write a lot in my journal which serves as a safe place for me to just exhale all of my thoughts. Today, I went back to look at this week's entries and realized that I had typed almost 2500 words. So, I attempted to comb through the chaos and here's what I came up with...

NUMERO UNO:

One thing that came up at the beginning of the week was true femininity and beauty. If you are a woman reading this, then I'm sure this topic is nothing new to you--it seems to just be a reoccurring theme. Nevertheless, I seemed to be caught off guard that the familiar topic came up this week, but I think the Lord brought it up for a reason. So, I'll begin with a confession...I tend to people watch a lot. I like to observe how people interact with each other and in different scenarios. For some reason, ultra-feminine girls* stuck out like clear flashing lights in the rather hazy and routine environment. Ever since high school, I've struggled with seeing this type of girl as weak. Observing this, I started questioning what true beauty is. Who is to define it?  Lord, all I want is to be a strong, devoted woman after your heart alone. To what extent should I take part in these type of actions or discussions? How much should a godly woman embrace femininity, and what is pleasing to you? 

NUMERO DOS: 

As part of the LT program, I was required to read Chapter 1 of A.W. Tozer's "The Pursuit of God." While I was reading, my heart was stirred. God reminded me of the importance of seeking his presence. I pursue God because he created me that way. He put the desire within me because I was created as his lover. Because of this I can't take any credit for my pursuit of him. His presence is not something I just have to accept, but I have to strive for. However, "all the time we are pursuing him, we are already in his hand...he waits to be wanted." In order to make himself known to us, he draws close to human personality and feels similarly to humans.  He promises to not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly—Psalms 84:11. As I read, I was reminded of the song by Matt Gilman “As the Deer” (listen to it below!). In this song, the lyrics to the bridge are…I set my heart on a pilgrimage, through the valley of weeping I will go. I set my heart on a pilgrimage until I appear before God in Zion. This served as an incredible reminder. In that pilgrimage I know there will be testing and trials (the valley of weeping), but he doesn't withhold himself even within those times. While pursuit of God can be hard, after all the trials and junk, his presence becomes so much sweeter.

Matt Gilman "As the Deer" (OneThing 2012) 

NUMERO TRES:

Also as part of LT, our project group attended the Sonlife workshop, "The Everyday Commandment" put on by John Drage. I think one of the things that I hadn’t realized is how incredibly important love is. Loving God cannot be separated from loving people. The seminar really awakened my heart and desire to share the gospel. I’ve “known” the importance of sharing the gospel, but this time it became personal. One of the questions John Drage asked was “What do you want more than anything else in the world?” I want affirmation that I’m doing what the Lord wants for me. I’m so afraid that I’m making up his “calling” in my head. God, I want to know that you’ve purposed me for what I am doing or planning to do. A couple of the people in my project group discussed this question during the lunch break. After lunch, the last session really stirred my heart for missions. It made me realize that even though I don’t feel equipped to go or share, the Lord is going to equip me and provide everything I need to share! It was really sweet how quickly he even provided that realization and confirmation of this desire!  

Like I said, this week has been crazy. My thoughts and emotions have been all over the place, so there's not really a major "lesson" for the week, but rather several. I'm still attempting to piece them together and sort out what associates with what, but I know one thing for sure. The Lord is growing me and bringing up desire for him in ways I never would have imagined. 

Photo of the week: 

Just hanging out on top of a boulder. 

Enjoying some Hayley's Ice Cream in Estes. 

*By this I mean acting and talking about all things "girly" including, but not limited to: boys, shoes, clothes, shopping, make-up, pinterest, and every baby animal in existence...

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LT (Week 3)

I can't believe I've already been here for over 2 weeks. It feels likes it has been months already...

So, this week has been pretty interesting with the Lord. It has definitely been a collection of ups and downs--highs and lows.

To fill you in a little bit...

In the final week of the spring semester, I really feel like the Lord put the thought of teaching internationally on my heart. Because my dad had worked internationally, I was fortunate enough to travel to several different countries with my family before going to college. However, if I'm not mistaken I think this endeavor might be far from overpriced trinkets and insouciant days filled with tourist attractions. If I'm being honest with myself and with you, I would say that the idea absolutely scares me. I constantly fear the unknown, and this type of adventure would be exactly that. Why me, Lord? Isn't pursuing a career in Education taking a big enough step of faith? I don't know a second language. (I did manage to make it through two years of high school Spanish, but by no means am I close to being fluent!). Why another country? Why can't you just use me here? It would be so much more comfortable...and that's where I caught myself. Who said my life is supposed to be comfortable? Who am I to put stipulations on God's calling? It is almost the same as saying, "Use me...just not there or there, oh and probably not that place either."

As I was thinking about this, the Lord reminded me of when he revealed his purpose for Moses:

"But Moses said to the Lord, 'Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent...I am slow of speech and of tongue.' Then the Lord said to him, 'Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is is not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.' But he said, 'Oh, my Lord please send someone else.'...and he said, '...I will be with your mouth...and will teach you both what to do.'" 
(Exodus 4: 10-16)

I find myself able to relate with Moses in this situation. God calls him. Moses makes excuses. God reminds him. Moses pleads. God chooses him still. A lot of times I feel ill-equipped within ministry because of various insecurities, but I think this passage just proves I'm not alone. Even though Moses had a stuttering problem, God still used him in incredible ways. The Lord definitely made no mistake in calling someone who seemed ill-equipped. Moses' insecurities were used to bring God glory. So, even though right now I'm incredible fearful of what the future holds, God has definitely reminded me this week that He is going to use me just as I am. There's no prerequisites for the Lord's calling. He's fully aware of my weakness, my incapability, and my inadequacy, yet he still chooses me.

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:

-He fills in the gaps that my weaknesses produce.

-Surrendering means surrendering without reservations.

-He will equip me if this is truly what he wants me to do.

Some Pics from the Week: 

The beautiful view from Deer Mountain. 

Me and Tierra during project day. 

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LT (Week 2)

I'm exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Who knew housekeeping could be so tiring? This is definitely a little bit different experience then running around with middle-school aged campers all day during the summer. However, I think I'm finally starting to adjust a little. 

We got to meet our project groups this week!! We've already had some pretty fun times together. I'm really looking forward to seeing where God takes our friendships this summer. 

As far as my week goes spiritually though...it has been pretty rough. 

Thursday I went hiking with a couple of friends in Rocky Mountain National Park. Once we got to the summit of the mountain, we spread out and had some time alone. After a while we got together and spent some time praying over our summers and soaking in God's beautiful creation before us. As we were praying, I got this picture: there was a really wide, long tunnel and the scene that was in front of us (the mountains) was painted like a moral around the tunnel (top, bottom, and sides). As soon as I got to the entrance, I started going through the tunnel. I went faster and faster as the tunnel grew tighter and darker. Finally, at the end in complete darkness, there was a radiant heart just sitting there. I’m not sure what this means. What I got from it was God saying, “you think the mountains are beautiful, but YOU are my magnificent creation. No mountain could surpass how beautifully I have created you.” 

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Ephesians 2:10)

In this moment, I was in complete awe of God. For some reason I felt safe in the mountain. In order to hike up a mountain, one might experience pain, fear, and lack of security mixed with excitement, adrenaline, and awe. In a way, it was like the Lord was telling me that there was safety in the trials I'm going through no matter how unsure I feel in the moment. 

Later that day a couple situations sparked feelings of bitterness, pride, and even inadequacy (I know that's quite the range of emotions). It seemed that other situations only confirmed the feelings. At first the lies came quietly, but by the time I sat down in the LT worship service that night, I was at my lowest. I can honestly say, I've never felt as broken as I have that night. It was like I was backed into a corner, tied down, and beaten with lie after lie. In this moment, for the first time I experienced what it is like to be completely desperate for the Lord. I've never felt so weak in my life. Through this experience the Lord showed me a glimpse of what it means to be poor in spirit. As a result, I feel incredibly humbled in the Lord's presence. Yes, the junk I'm going through right now hurts, but I'm experiencing growing pains just like a child. 

Things the Lord has been teaching me this week: 

-poverty of spirit

-what it means to be desperate for him

-humility 

Some Pics from the Week: 

My project group's human pyramid for 
the photo scavenger hunt. 

Our awkward family photo. 

Nathan, Kyle, and I hiking Deer Mountain. 

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LT (Week 1)

My summer in Estes Park, CO has officially begun. My dad and I drove to Denver on Tuesday. He flew out Wednesday morning, and I made my way to Estes. I definitely forgot how scared I was of driving in the mountains, but thank the Lord, I made it safely. Once at the Y, I got everything situated in my room. As I put the last of my stuff up, it hit me--I'm at LT!!! This is an opportunity I started praying about a year ago, and now I'm sitting in the middle of the floor in a staff dorm room at the Y. How did I even get to this place? 

This past spring semester was pretty difficult with God. I don't even know what type of "season" you could call it. The only thing that comes to mind is "crappy". As I continued to pursue the Lord through spending time with him, worship, and prayer, it seemed like he was gone--completely absent. After what I thought was pouring my heart out to him (more like forcing myself to spend time with him) and receiving nothing in return, I became weak. I had nothing left to give, and honestly, I was tired of trying. As a result, bitterness began to creep its way into my thoughts towards him. I had never even dealt with depression or loneliness before this semester, but both became pretty familiar and reoccurring feelings. When I would feel depressed or alone, all I wanted was to cry out to God, but my heart kept telling me he wouldn't be there. My trust in God dwindled severely over these past couple of months, and of course the devil jumped at this opportunity. As soon as I would even start feeling down, my thoughts would snowball, putting me right back into that place of depression and complete vulnerability to the lies the enemy was so ready to feed me.

However, I started forcing myself to seek out truths about who God is and how he views me. Through this, the Lord has revealed several things about this semester and even this summer. Thankfully he's shown me that this is an area I've been blind to for a while now. I've been hiding behind a half-hearted commitment. As soon as one of these truths is tested, I find myself standing on wobbly knees and a weak foundation. I'm beginning to see that God is definitely teaching me something in this season. I'm sure there will be more on that later...

Some things the Lord has been teaching me this week: 

-Joy can be found in difficult work. 

-He desires to pour his Spirit on me in dry seasons. (Isaiah 44)

-He wants to help me grow in my weak areas if I will just ask him. 

Photo of the week: 

Welcome to the YMCA of the Rockies! 

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