LT (Week 7)

This week has been yet another seven days filled with highs and lows...

A couple relationships have really been put on my heart this week. I've become aware of how afraid I am of changing how I interact with certain people. Honestly, I'm afraid to go deeper in complete fear that doing so would be neither received or appreciated. The emotional distance between us has grown farther and farther throughout the years. Hurt works its way to the surface as I'm reminded of exactly how wide that gap is.   My whole being longs to know each of these individuals better. I want so badly for our relationships to be a safe place for one another. Instead I'm met with towering walls too high to allow the vulnerability of the heart to pierce its thickness. In a way, I'm thankful that the Lord has brought this up because I'm reassured that I haven't become apathetic. I'm attempting to rely on the Lord in my grief over what has become of these relationships and trust that in his time there will be healing and understanding.

During project day, we went to Boulder for evangelism. I woke up that morning with absolutely no explanation for how I was feeling. Expecting nervousness, I was surprised by eagerness. When we arrived in Boulder, everyone was put into pairs and sent out. My partner and I walked around for a little while praying for the Lord to put specific people on our heart. Man, did he provide. We had several good conversations with a variety of people from differing backgrounds and religious practices. I think one of the most encouraging conversations was with a man named Doug. Raised in the Presbyterian church, Doug was very familiar with the Christian church. However, when asked why he decided to pursue Atheism instead, the wounds began to surface. He explained how he found Christians incredibly hypocritical and obsessed with the church. My partner and I began to speak truth into the lies he had believed about Christianity. Some kind of seed was definitely planted within those deserted lies as he told us how appreciative he was that we were talking about what following Jesus was really intended to look like. Even though we will most likely never see Doug again, I trust that the Lord is going to continue working on his heart.  

Prayer Requests for Boulder:

• Alexis is a Buddhist who is now studying Christianity. Pray that the Lord would reveal himself to her through her studies. 
• Jordan is an Atheist who just got laid off from his job as a pilot. Pray that he would see the Lord's faithfulness for the first time in his search of a job.  
• Doug is an Atheist who has been hurt by hypocritical Christians and the church. Pray that he would be able to look beyond religion and see the intimacy and truth of Jesus. 
• Rob is a Christian who was laid off from his job a couple of months ago (leaving him homeless) who is travelling to Alaska in search of work. Pray that he would continue to praise the Lord even in his current trials. 

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:
-Nothing I can do out of my own strength will mend a hurting relationship. 
-I do have a heart for evangelism. 
-Even if I don't feel equipped to share, the Lord provides opportunities for me to learn. 

Some Pics from the Week: 

Most of the girls from my project group celebrating Hayley's birthday in town. 

Me, Emily, and Julie at dinner. 

Project day in Boulder. 

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LT (Week 6)

I would have to say the main theme of this week was the Lord's presence.

"...Love and mercy and righteousness are His, and holiness so ineffable that no comparisons or figures will avail to express it. Only fire can give even a remote conception of it. In fire He appeared at the burning bush; in the pillar of fire He dwelt through all the long wilderness journey. The fire that glowed between the wings of the cherubim in the holy place was called the 'shekinah,' the Presence, through the years of Israel's glory, and when the Old had given place to the New, he came at Pentecost as a fiery flame and rested upon each disciple."

After reading this paragraph in Tozer's "Pursuit of God", I wanted to know more. The term "shekinah" stood out in particular. I knew little about the term, so I decided to do some research. This is what I found:

• shekinah does not actually appear in the translated Bible 
• means the "dwelling" or "settling"
• denotes the dwelling/settling of the divine presence of God (especially in the Temple in Jerusalem)
• comes from the Hebrew verb meaning settle, inhabit, or dwell
• Can also refer to birds' nesting (I thought this was an interesting translation because of the parallel between the Spirit nesting/making his home within us.) 
• examples: 
• The glory of the LORD dwelt on Mount Sinai, and the cloud covered it six days. And on the seventh day he called to Moses out of the midst of the cloud. (Exodus 24:16)
• And Moses was not able to enter the tent of meeting because the cloud settled on it, and the glory of the LORD filled the tabernacle. (Exodus 40:35)
• So it was always: the cloud covered it by day and the appearance of fire by night. And whenever the cloud lifted from over the tent, after that the people of Israel set out, and in the place where the cloud settled down, there the people of Israel camped. (Numbers 9:16-17)
• And the word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as from the only son from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John 1:14)

The next day I read the chapter about rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem and Nehemiah's heart for the city in "The Story," and yet again I was reminded of the Lord's presence. When Nehemiah gets the news that the wall is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire, he just sits down and weeps (Nehemiah 1: 3-4). He mourns for days. Nehemiah was upset because Jerusalem was where the temple was (the center of how God was bringing the world back to him), and it was completely exposed. Within the temple, dwelt the Shekinah in the holy of holies. Nehemiah had a sweetly reverent heart for the Lord's presence. His heart broke for what broke the Lord's heart.  

In the chapter's corresponding sermon, the pastor asked a question to the extent of,

“Is your heart too preoccupied to allow it to break for what breaks the Lord’s heart?”

This really hit me. Looking at Nehemiah's heart, it made me examine my own. Do I cherish the presence of the Lord like Nehemiah did? Is my heart broken for the abundance of people that don't understand His grace? 

Lord, I have an aching desire right now to feel your presence in this way. You’ve given me a glimpse of what Shekinah is, and Lord, I want it. I invite you to completely tear the veil to my heart. I invite you in to your holy of holies in my heart to dwell there. I want to know the fullness of your Holy Spirit burning within me. I know it is already there ready to meet with me, so I offer myself. Take your place Lord.

"Shekinah Glory" by Cory Asbury

Some Pics from the Week: 

Enjoying a great hike to Emerald Lake with these Aggies on our day off. 

Emerald Lake. 

 Mr. Marmot. 

Project day at the top of Gem Lake. 

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LT (Week 5)

What in the world to say about this week?

Work this week was really good. For the majority of the week, I was doing housekeeping in lodges (which is a pretty big change if you are used to working in cabins all the time). However, I feel like the Lord provided some pretty amazing experiences this week through that. I remember being pretty pessimistic about being in lodges before the workday had started, but like I said, the Lord provided. Wednesday had to be  (hands down) my favorite day of work so far. I was a lodge crew leader for a crew consisting of all LT participants. Throughout the day we shared testimonies, had a bed-making tournament (based on time and quality), and laughed a lot. It was incredible to see how the Lord could be present even through an otherwise not very glamorous job.

Thursday night, I attended the routine LT service. However, what the Lord did within me that night was far from routine. As John Drage spoke about things we tend to hold onto and what it meant to surrender, questions began to well up inside of me--most prominently: What am I not surrendering? As different relationships, past situations, and even future goals came to mind, I found myself quick to justify my reasonings for holding on. I began to wrestle with why I wasn't able to surrender. In that place, the Lord provided again. He began to help me maneuver through the mess, making me realize that I was clinging on unyieldingly--adamant to not let the Lord have his way within. However, as the captive areas began to slip through my fingers and into the Lord's, my heart began to breathe again. The past couple of days have been filled with immense joy. Finally, my heart is catching a glimpse of what true healing and restoration look like. 

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:
-He provides in unexpected ways.
-He knows what I need even if I'm completely oblivious.
-His process of healing is exactly that, a process. 

Some Pics from the Week: 

This is our attempt at "strolling like the Beatles"...

Clark came to visit! 

Beautiful sunset. 

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LT (Week 4)

I've come to the realization that this week has been quite disconnected and confusing for me. In addition to this blog, I write a lot in my journal which serves as a safe place for me to just exhale all of my thoughts. Today, I went back to look at this week's entries and realized that I had typed almost 2500 words. So, I attempted to comb through the chaos and here's what I came up with...

NUMERO UNO:

One thing that came up at the beginning of the week was true femininity and beauty. If you are a woman reading this, then I'm sure this topic is nothing new to you--it seems to just be a reoccurring theme. Nevertheless, I seemed to be caught off guard that the familiar topic came up this week, but I think the Lord brought it up for a reason. So, I'll begin with a confession...I tend to people watch a lot. I like to observe how people interact with each other and in different scenarios. For some reason, ultra-feminine girls* stuck out like clear flashing lights in the rather hazy and routine environment. Ever since high school, I've struggled with seeing this type of girl as weak. Observing this, I started questioning what true beauty is. Who is to define it?  Lord, all I want is to be a strong, devoted woman after your heart alone. To what extent should I take part in these type of actions or discussions? How much should a godly woman embrace femininity, and what is pleasing to you? 

NUMERO DOS: 

As part of the LT program, I was required to read Chapter 1 of A.W. Tozer's "The Pursuit of God." While I was reading, my heart was stirred. God reminded me of the importance of seeking his presence. I pursue God because he created me that way. He put the desire within me because I was created as his lover. Because of this I can't take any credit for my pursuit of him. His presence is not something I just have to accept, but I have to strive for. However, "all the time we are pursuing him, we are already in his hand...he waits to be wanted." In order to make himself known to us, he draws close to human personality and feels similarly to humans.  He promises to not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly—Psalms 84:11. As I read, I was reminded of the song by Matt Gilman “As the Deer” (listen to it below!). In this song, the lyrics to the bridge are…I set my heart on a pilgrimage, through the valley of weeping I will go. I set my heart on a pilgrimage until I appear before God in Zion. This served as an incredible reminder. In that pilgrimage I know there will be testing and trials (the valley of weeping), but he doesn't withhold himself even within those times. While pursuit of God can be hard, after all the trials and junk, his presence becomes so much sweeter.

Matt Gilman "As the Deer" (OneThing 2012) 

NUMERO TRES:

Also as part of LT, our project group attended the Sonlife workshop, "The Everyday Commandment" put on by John Drage. I think one of the things that I hadn’t realized is how incredibly important love is. Loving God cannot be separated from loving people. The seminar really awakened my heart and desire to share the gospel. I’ve “known” the importance of sharing the gospel, but this time it became personal. One of the questions John Drage asked was “What do you want more than anything else in the world?” I want affirmation that I’m doing what the Lord wants for me. I’m so afraid that I’m making up his “calling” in my head. God, I want to know that you’ve purposed me for what I am doing or planning to do. A couple of the people in my project group discussed this question during the lunch break. After lunch, the last session really stirred my heart for missions. It made me realize that even though I don’t feel equipped to go or share, the Lord is going to equip me and provide everything I need to share! It was really sweet how quickly he even provided that realization and confirmation of this desire!  

Like I said, this week has been crazy. My thoughts and emotions have been all over the place, so there's not really a major "lesson" for the week, but rather several. I'm still attempting to piece them together and sort out what associates with what, but I know one thing for sure. The Lord is growing me and bringing up desire for him in ways I never would have imagined. 

Photo of the week: 

Just hanging out on top of a boulder. 

Enjoying some Hayley's Ice Cream in Estes. 

*By this I mean acting and talking about all things "girly" including, but not limited to: boys, shoes, clothes, shopping, make-up, pinterest, and every baby animal in existence...

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LT (Week 3)

I can't believe I've already been here for over 2 weeks. It feels likes it has been months already...

So, this week has been pretty interesting with the Lord. It has definitely been a collection of ups and downs--highs and lows.

To fill you in a little bit...

In the final week of the spring semester, I really feel like the Lord put the thought of teaching internationally on my heart. Because my dad had worked internationally, I was fortunate enough to travel to several different countries with my family before going to college. However, if I'm not mistaken I think this endeavor might be far from overpriced trinkets and insouciant days filled with tourist attractions. If I'm being honest with myself and with you, I would say that the idea absolutely scares me. I constantly fear the unknown, and this type of adventure would be exactly that. Why me, Lord? Isn't pursuing a career in Education taking a big enough step of faith? I don't know a second language. (I did manage to make it through two years of high school Spanish, but by no means am I close to being fluent!). Why another country? Why can't you just use me here? It would be so much more comfortable...and that's where I caught myself. Who said my life is supposed to be comfortable? Who am I to put stipulations on God's calling? It is almost the same as saying, "Use me...just not there or there, oh and probably not that place either."

As I was thinking about this, the Lord reminded me of when he revealed his purpose for Moses:

"But Moses said to the Lord, 'Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent...I am slow of speech and of tongue.' Then the Lord said to him, 'Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is is not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.' But he said, 'Oh, my Lord please send someone else.'...and he said, '...I will be with your mouth...and will teach you both what to do.'" 
(Exodus 4: 10-16)

I find myself able to relate with Moses in this situation. God calls him. Moses makes excuses. God reminds him. Moses pleads. God chooses him still. A lot of times I feel ill-equipped within ministry because of various insecurities, but I think this passage just proves I'm not alone. Even though Moses had a stuttering problem, God still used him in incredible ways. The Lord definitely made no mistake in calling someone who seemed ill-equipped. Moses' insecurities were used to bring God glory. So, even though right now I'm incredible fearful of what the future holds, God has definitely reminded me this week that He is going to use me just as I am. There's no prerequisites for the Lord's calling. He's fully aware of my weakness, my incapability, and my inadequacy, yet he still chooses me.

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:

-He fills in the gaps that my weaknesses produce.

-Surrendering means surrendering without reservations.

-He will equip me if this is truly what he wants me to do.

Some Pics from the Week: 

The beautiful view from Deer Mountain. 

Me and Tierra during project day. 

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