Recently, I had really been struggling with temptation. At this point, I was becoming somewhat frustrated with God. I was trying to pursue him, but I felt like I was getting nothing in return. I'd hit a "dry" spot and that was just something I was going to have to accept. In reality, I was still clinging to the pursuit of temptations and idols. I was giving these things the authority to be in the throne seat, not God. On the surface, ya it looked like I was trying to climb my way out, but a deeper root longed to drag me closer to the lesser lover. The devil took delight in sneaking in--trying to lure me away from my Love using attractive and inviting ideas.
God gave me this image of a deep drop-off with a thin ribbon strung across it. There I was in the middle holding tightly to the ribbon dangling over this long fall. I couldn't even stand on the ribbon. The only way across was inching tirelessly along the fragile material. He revealed to me that the ribbon was the lies that had been spoken to me. I had found so much worth in them because of their flattering nature. What about God's words? They are like a strong metal that sits high above the canyon waiting patiently to be used. His words are unwavering, unmovable. Nothing can break through them, but the words of the tempter are easily cut or broken.
...I appointed you a prophet to the nations." Then I said, "Ah, Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth." But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a youth'; for to all to whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the Lord." Then the Lord put out his hand and touched my mouth. And the Lord said to me "Behold, I have put my words in your mouth..." Jeremiah 1:5-9
A couple of weekends ago at SCW (Spiritual Challenge Weekend), I read these verses during the extended quiet time. During my initial reading, I didn't understand their relevance. Jeremiah was a prophet. I'm a college student. But, when I heard the following words spoken over me, I understood the connection...
More, give me more child. I want to use you, but you have to let go.
In the midst of temptation I knew where I wanted to be, but I wasn't ready to let go. Was I really half-way expecting God to swoop in (like some cheesy, spandex-wearing superhero), clear up all the junk, and say I was good to go? Yep. However, here is the beauty of a relationship with God. This time He didn't just swoop down and pull me out of the pig-sty I had created for myself. He taught me how to crawl to the perimeter, so then he could gently lift me out. In this realization, I was reminded of Hebrews 5:14. "But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." I'm begging to go deeper with God. I've taken the milk, and swallowed. I've taken the baby food, and swallowed. Now He's sitting in front of me with something solid, and I scrunch up my nose and shake my head back in forth in refusal. Yes, I want to be challenged, but I'm afraid it will hurt. I'm afraid the filth from my past will surface. I'm afraid of being out of my comfort zone. I'm afraid I'll be exposed.
Here's where the beauty of His grace can truly be seen. I confess that I've held back. I confess I like pushing my state of complacency to the very limit without ever breaking the barrier. God wants more...He's asking me for it, but I have to meet him. Why is the first bite of solid food seem so hard? God, with your grace, I'm ready to learn how to chew on solid food.