Running in Circles

These past couple of weeks have been incredibly busy. The semester is finishing up soon, and every single professor is trying to cram one more exam or project in before finals week. So, yes I've been a little stressed out. My time has been spread very thin. As a result, my time with Jesus has been pretty much non-existent. In the few times I have gotten to spend with him over the past couple weeks, my mind is either preoccupied or distracted. 

This morning I came to Jesus weak. I came to him with nothing to offer. I sat on the floor in my room just half expecting him to just instantly fill me up again. Almost like an energy booster--a quick fix. As I was sitting there, these words kept coming to me:

"My desire is for you."

I began praying with "Yes Lord, my desire is for you. I want that desire back. I want more of you." I kept praying, just expressing my need for Jesus again. In this desperate instance, the words came again. This time I heard: "No you're not getting it Jordan. My desire is for YOU."

 God, I want to learn how to accept your love. So often I forget about your love for me. I've gotten so caught up in my own life and even condemning myself for not desiring you more. This whole time you have been pouring out yourself to me, and I've been completely oblivious. I'm sorry. God, I feel like I've been running in circles. Tie me down. Tether me to your heart again. Right now I'm running around, but I can't slow down enough to understand even the direction I'm going. 

"I’m so forgetful, but You always remind me

You’re the only one who brings me peace

You’re the only one who brings me peace

So I come, Lord I come I come, Lord I come

To tell you I love you

To tell you I need you

To tell you there’s no better place for me than in your arms

To tell you I’m sorry

For running in circles

For placing my focus on the waves,not on your face."

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Chew

Recently, I had really been struggling with temptation. At this point, I was becoming somewhat frustrated with God. I was trying to pursue him, but I felt like I was getting nothing in return. I'd hit a "dry" spot and that was just something I was going to have to accept. In reality, I was still clinging to the pursuit of temptations and idols. I was giving these things the authority to be in the throne seat, not God. On the surface, ya it looked like I was trying to climb my way out, but a deeper root longed to drag me closer to the lesser lover. The devil took delight in sneaking in--trying to lure me away from my Love using attractive and inviting ideas. 

God gave me this image of a deep drop-off with a thin ribbon strung across it. There I was in the middle holding tightly to the ribbon dangling over this long fall. I couldn't even stand on the ribbon. The only way across was inching tirelessly along the fragile material. He revealed to me that the ribbon was the lies that had been spoken to me. I had found so much worth in them because of their flattering nature. What about God's words? They are like a strong metal that sits high above the canyon waiting patiently to be used. His words are unwavering, unmovable. Nothing can break through them, but the words of the tempter are easily cut or broken.

...I appointed you a prophet to the nations." Then I said, "Ah, Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth." But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a youth'; for to all to whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the Lord." Then the Lord put out his hand and touched my mouth. And the Lord said to me "Behold, I have put my words in your mouth..." Jeremiah 1:5-9

A couple of weekends ago at SCW (Spiritual Challenge Weekend), I read these verses during the extended quiet time. During my initial reading, I didn't understand their relevance. Jeremiah was a prophet. I'm a college student. But, when I heard the following words spoken over me, I understood the connection...

More, give me more child. I want to use you, but you have to let go.

In the midst of temptation I knew where I wanted to be, but I wasn't ready to let go. Was I really half-way expecting God to swoop in (like some cheesy, spandex-wearing superhero), clear up all the junk, and say I was good to go? Yep. However, here is the beauty of a relationship with God. This time He didn't just swoop down and pull me out of the pig-sty I had created for myself. He taught me how to crawl to the perimeter, so then he could gently lift me out. In this realization, I was reminded of Hebrews 5:14. "But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." I'm begging to go deeper with God. I've taken the milk, and swallowed. I've taken the baby food, and swallowed. Now He's sitting in front of me with something solid, and I scrunch up my nose and shake my head back in forth in refusal. Yes, I want to be challenged, but I'm afraid it will hurt. I'm afraid the filth from my past will surface. I'm afraid of being out of my comfort zone. I'm afraid I'll be exposed. 

Here's where the beauty of His grace can truly be seen. I confess that I've held back. I confess I like pushing my state of complacency to the very limit without ever breaking the barrier. God wants more...He's asking me for it, but I have to meet him. Why is the first bite of solid food seem so hard? God, with your grace, I'm ready to learn how to chew on solid food. 

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The Wild

Yesterday morning as I sat down at the Divine Experiment, I felt very empty. I felt disconnected from God. I was even starting to have doubts about my relationship with Jesus. If he loved me as much as he says he does, why wouldn't I feel loved? As I kind of started processing through why I would be feeling this way, I figured it out...

Jesus is a dangerous lover.

Take a look at his reaction in the temple:

"..And he entered the temple and began to drive out those who sold and those who bought in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold pigeons...'Is it not written, My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations? But you have made it a den of robbers.' And the chief priests and the scribes heard it and were seeking a way to destroy him, for they feared him, because all the crowd was astonished at his teaching." (Mark 11: 15-18)

This gives me a little different picture of Jesus than just the picturesque and beaming image we so often paint for ourselves. He is a dangerous lover. He is wild.

I have reduced the value of my relationship with Jesus. Recently, I've been so enveloped in the loving side of Jesus that I lost sight of Jesus' adventurous side. I've stuck myself in a comfortable place, a complacent place in our relationship. As long as he's the one pursuing and wooing me then it's all good...nope, not really. It has been all about what I can get from him.  What came to mind when I thought about this is one of those incredibly clingy couples you see at the mall or maybe the movies. I don't want to be the one simply clinging onto Jesus in hope of bettering my spirituality. Don't get me wrong, we are supposed to cling to Jesus, but not in a hollow, meaningless way. This is a two-sided romance we have been called into. What happened to the admiration, respect, and even fear I once felt with Jesus?

He is begging to take me into the wild, but I'm convinced a stroll in the park on a sunny afternoon is REALLY what I need. Wrong. Jesus is ready to take me deeper into the mystery before me, but some how my heels are dug deep into the dirt like a stubborn child. I confess I'm stubborn. I like being comfortable, and I'm sure most of you do too. However, in the wild, in the midst of our vulnerability is where we truly meet with our lover. He is so incredibly patient with me as I drag him into my life. It's like I'm trying to show him off to society...hey look who I'm in a relationship with! Yes, it's great to be public about your relationship with him, but I think I've lost sight of exactly who is on the other side. There is so much more depth behind the romance. It's not just some fling that we indulge in for a short time period and carelessly move on. This is Jesus we are talking about. He fights for me because I'm his beloved. How am I not in awe of this concept? He fights for me? Yes, over and over again. While I've been so busy disregarding this side of his personality and masking it with warmth and fuzziness, he remains patiently waiting. Everything is packed and ready, but distrust sneaks over me. He assuredly takes my shaking hand in his and says "let's go." 

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Anchored by His Grace: Beauty Unfailing

Wanted to share these words that a beautiful friend and woman of God wrote about true beauty. Anchored by His Grace: Beauty Unfailing: A while ago, probably about April or May of 2011, I set out in search to find the true meaning of beauty.   I wanted to know what true be...

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Beloved

You know me. 
You delight in me. 
You romance me. 
You call me beloved. 

You find me worthy of pursuit. 
You woo me again and again.
You give me incomprehensible joy. 
You call me beloved. 

You satisfy me. 
You treasure me. 
You enrapture me. 
You call me beloved. 

You show me real intimacy. 
You sing love songs over me. 
You are my bridegroom. 
I'm your beloved. 

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Wildfire

Take a second and think about what a wildfire actually looks like. I don't mean a precious little campfire in the middle of scenic campgrounds encircled by smores and happiness. I mean the dangerous kind...maybe even fatal. I was reading in Luke 13 this morning when I came across Jesus' description of the kingdom of God.

¹⁸ Then Jesus asked, “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to? ¹⁹ It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in its branches.”

²⁰ Again he asked, “What shall I compare the kingdom of God to? ²¹ It is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into about sixty pounds^[a] of flour until it worked all through the dough.”

Jesus compares the kingdom to a mustard seed, saying it will grow to become a tree. An impossibly small (1-2mm in diameter) seed growing into a tree. Okay, now think about the second comparison: yeast being mixed into 60 pounds of flour until it all eventually becomes dough. I want to point out the fact that yeast is what makes the bread rise (if you didn't know that already). One bushel of wheat yields 60 pounds of flour. ONE bushel. 60 pounds of flour yields about 90 loaves of whole-wheat bread (that's enough to feed about 1080 people). Think about the magnitude of this. All this from a tiny start. When I was trying to comprehend these similes, a thought kept crossing my mind. A wildfire. 

The kingdom of God is like a wildfire. 

I asked you earlier to picture what you thought a wildfire looked like. Bring back that image. A dangerous, consuming, overbearing, uncontainable fire. The brush and trees don't have anyway to escape. They can't help but be transformed into something completely different at the mercy of this raging fire. What about the fire? Does it have anyway of holding back? What would this look like if this was God's kingdom, if every single person were consumed by the fire? The kingdom couldn't help but be transformed by this infectious desire for our Lover. The fire couldn't contain the Holy Spirit that ignited it in the first place. This is what I want. I want to be the spark that starts the infection. I challenge you to pray this over your community--that you can be the fire spreading, transforming the kingdom of God. 

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My Dear

Ok, I'll admit...I've become slightly obsessed with the song, "My Dear" from the Bethel Loft Sessions. Whenever there is 4 minutes of silence, this song should be playing. No excuses. At first, I wasn't sure why I found myself so captivated by this song. I mean it's just another worship song right? Says the same things, right? Wrong. Take a look at the lyrics...

I am Yours and You are mine. 

I am ravished by the sight

Of one glimpse into Your eyes.

My lover's coming for His bride. 

For there is none upon the earth

That I desire before You Lord.

For You've been faithful all my days. 

Your love endures, it will never fade away. 

I need to say what my soul is singing. 

I need to say what my heart is screaming. 

That I love You my dear. 

That I love You my dear my dear. 

That I love You my dear. 

That I love You my dear my dear. 

You're everything I ever wanted. 

Everything I ever needed. 

(You've ravished my heart.)

You're everything I ever wanted. 

Everything I ever needed. 

(You've ravished my heart.)

Define the word ravished. According to dictionary.com, it means "filled with strong emotion, especially joy." But that's a dictionary...what does it feel like to have a ravished heart? For me, this is why I can't get enough of this song. It reminds me of the Jesus I fell in love with in the first place. It brings me back to that place of the initial intimacy I felt when I entered into this beautiful romance with him."I am Yours and You are mine." He desires me--a sinful, prideful, arrogant, selfish person. Yet, he still wants me? Yes. When Jesus whispers this to me for the trillionth time, my heart is ravished by him.  "The lover's coming for His bride." That's me. I'm his bride. He wants to sweep me off my feet, to romance me. "I need to say what my soul is singing. I need to say what my heart is screaming." I can't contain it. My heart may explode just from getting a single glimpse, a single moment of understanding the magnitude of his love for me. When you're in love with someone, you can't contain the way you feel. It flows out of you. Your emotion, your yearning to be with that person, your ache of not being with that person, your joy, your giddiness, your failure to focus and be present. This is how I feel about Jesus. He enraptures me. He captivates me. "I love You my dear." 

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