Blinded

As I was reading through Acts this past week, I couldn't get this passage out of my mind. Take a look at Acts 9. Right before this chapter we find out that Saul has basically been beating down people's doors and dragging them off to prison just for believing in Jesus. In chapter 9 he decides to continue onward to Damascus in pursuit of a similar goal. At this point, Saul's biggest concern and probably most prevalent thing on his mind is persecuting the name of Christ.  However, little does he know, the name of Christ is the very thing that will soon shatter all other indulgences. He will soon become wrecked by Jesus and indulge in his beauty alone. Out of fear, Saul crumples to the ground and timidly asks, "Who are you Lord?" After this interaction Saul opens his eyes, but he sees nothing. He has been blinded by the very luminescence of the Lord.

Recently, I've been asking that very same question myself. Who are you Lord? Honestly, I felt like I had kind of lost sight of who Jesus is. With that, came an avoidance of really calling on his name. However, the Lord definitely answered that prayer this last week by revealing his role in this passage. The Lord temporarily blinded Saul, forcing the once prideful and seemingly supreme man to fall to the ground in humility and absolute fear. What does this have to do with me? Unfortunately, I was not physically blinded by the presence of God. However, the Lord magnetized my attention to him in a different way. This past Friday morning at AMP (A.M. Prayer) a lot of the set was focused on how truly worthy Jesus is of worship. We sang through lyrics about the beauty of Jesus, the glory of Jesus, and his incredible worth. In the middle of that set, it hit me. Everything else became irrelevant, as every word that left my lips became the absolute desires of my longing heart for my King. All I wanted was Jesus, nothing else could satisfy. I was rightly blinded by love for him. I fell in love with Jesus again. 

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Post LT Depression?

LT-life: beautiful Estes Park, Colorado, prayer, deep conversations, worship, Jesus, restoration, healing, community, and woodland creatures.

Post-LT life: humid College Station, TX, exhausting, Calculus, Physics, Statistics, tutoring, homework, reading, and Google Calendar.

If you are reading this you are probably thinking to yourself, "Yep, that's definitely post-LT depression." And I would happen to agree with you...to an extent. The sad reality is that, yes, eventually all of my friends from other universities would have to return to their respective states and carry on with life. I would be lying to say that I don't truly miss my friends, but being back in the "real world" has forced me to integrate my experiences at LT into the craziness of life in C-Stat. While College Station is absolutely nothing like the beautiful scenery of the Rocky Mountain National Park, I'm beginning to appreciate it for its own unique beauty--a beauty that exists past the tan concrete buildings and oak trees that populate the campus. (I'll get back to that in a minute.)

My first week of class was not what I really had in mind. I found myself going in and out of minor panic attacks during class when the professor would ask if there was anyone who wasn't an engineering major in the room. Me and a few others would timidly raise our hands. Obviously I'm the odd one out, which left me questioning. Am I smart enough to be in these classes? Is this all really worth it? More importantly, is this the track the Lord wants me on? Outside of class, I took a job as a math tutor in Peer Academic Services. So with work and class combined, I'm stuck on campus for most of the day. Add homegroup responsibilities on top of that, and that creates one stressed out college student.

However, I did say that I'm learning to appreciate the beauty of where I'm at. If you read any of my blog from this summer, you've probably heard me talk about a passion for the lost stirring in my heart. Well, nothing new there. It's still a stirrin'. What is new is how it's affecting my life at A&M. Prior to this summer, I sat in my classes (like most students do) and never as much as looked in the direction of the individuals sitting 4" away from me on either side. Prior to this summer, I was under the assumption that the majority of students at A&M were Christ-following disciples. Prior to this summer, I believed that all international students wanted nothing to do with Americans. However, I've learned that, yes, humans do like to interact with other humans (shocker!). Everyone likes to feel cared about and paid attention to. So, long story short, this summer has completely changed my perspective of how I view the campus of Texas A&M University. I'm beginning to understand that God is a much bigger part of the "college experience" than I had ever imagined.

As for feeling overwhelmed already, that's a lack of trust on my part. I still feel pretty strongly that the Lord is calling me to be a high school educator, so I'm kind of required to accept the challenge of the courses that seem like too much. I've realized, after this week, that this semester is going to take a lot of dependency on the Lord.  I have a gut feeling that he's planning on growing me in that area even more than he has in the last 3 months.

So...post-LT depression? Maybe a little, but I'm beginning to see the beauty of where the Lord has me.

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LT (Week 11)

Well, I started my last work week Friday. As I'm trying to hangout with as many people as possible before we go back to our respective campuses, I'm reminded that this is "getting real". Soon, several of the people I've been living with and working with everyday for the past 3 months will not be returning to Texas with me. I knew it was bound to happen, but it's just becoming more and more undeniable. I think I am in a slight state of denial though. I'm sure as I drive out of the mountains for the last time this summer in 7 days, it will hit me...

This week has been pretty difficult. A couple insecurities have crept into my thoughts as I'm attempting to stay focused on keeping a positive attitude about being here. I've been writing for a couple weeks about my struggles with being present, but I think I've about hit a breaking point. I feel exhausted from being here (spiritually and physically). It should be no surprise to me that in a place of weakness, I'm vulnerable to attack. But, for some reason it took me a little by surprise. I quickly turned to self-condemning thoughts--telling myself that I've already accepted freedom from these things. While this is completely true, the enemy loves to twist even the acceptance of freedom.

However, this week was not difficult for negative reasons alone.

Several weeks ago I had mentioned that a couple relationships with different people had been put on my heart. I had written, "I'm afraid to go deeper in complete fear that doing so would be neither received or appreciated." Well, the Lord pretty clearly labeled that statement as a lie this week. This week the Lord gave me a renewed hope for those relationships. It doesn't mean the strengthening process is easy---it never is. At first, I experienced every single type of emotion when thinking about these relationships. However, through processing with the Lord's help, I've been able to see the bigger picture of what he's doing. Things are being pieced together, and it's a beautiful picture. I truly trust the Lord now. I can see how he's already bringing restoration to these areas, and it is so so sweet.

Some pics from this week:

My awesome project group after we bought these lovely clothes for each other from a thrift store.

My precious lifegroup (Tierra, Alaina, and Jessie). 

Some of the International students I've met this summer. 

During the making of our Avengers-themed project group video. 

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LT (Week 10)

Less than 2 weeks...

My mind has been extremely busy this week--making it difficult to spend time with the Lord. Of course the future--near and far--is still a forerunner of the seemingly endless list of thoughts that pass through each day. I've felt pretty discontent with myself for not making time for the Lord. I'm anxious to leave, and I'm anxious for this next semester. However, Wednesday morning He sweetly reminded me of my need for Him once again. I felt the Lord really putting it on my heart to have a night of prayer and worship, literally a whole night. So, after LT service on Tuesday several of us gathered in one of the chapels to pursue prayer and worship into the morning hours. Within that time I was reminded of the Lord's true love for me (kind of a recent theme), and my unquestionable need for Him. As I read through Romans 8 the Lord made this extremely clear:

..."but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!'"...

...."the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words"...

..."Christ Jesus is the one who died--who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us"... 

..."nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

As it got to be around 5am, I found myself in a state of weakness and vulnerability. My voice was tired of singing and my fingers sore from playing, but that's when He stepped in. Why won't you let Me provide you with strength Jordan? "Because I'm worshiping you. Wouldn't that be counterproductive?" Nope. In that moment I was reminded that I even need His help to worship Him. Worship isn't a simple task I pursue individually. No, it's an intricately woven meeting of my heart with His. 

What the Lord's been teaching me this week: 
-I'm still in need of constant reminders of His love for me. 
-I'm still in need of constant reminders of my desperation and need for Him. 

I've been horrible at taking pics these last couple of weeks, so here's some more from earlier in the summer:

 Spending the day at Kind Coffee with Sharon, Meagan, and Julie. 

Enjoying some Hayley's Ice Cream in Estes. 

I found snow! (On the Emerald Lake hike.)

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LT (Week 9)

All I have to say is...3 weeks. In that short amount of time, I will be leaving this beautiful place I've called home for the summer. While I am expectantly awaiting the day I will drive Petunia out of the mountains, there is no doubt it will be a bittersweet feeling. It has definitely been a struggle to be in the present...

Leaving is not the only bittersweet idea consuming my thoughts this week. This week in particular marks a year since I rode a horse out of the arena at the Palomino World Championship Horse Show. As the World Show roles around once again, a wide variety of emotions begin to surface. Some days I long to be on a horse so badly I can hardly stand it, but I quickly draw back at the thought of the deep seeds of pride and success so deeply wound around my heart during that time. A year ago the Lord told me to check my priorities. That's when I realized I had made winning an idol. Honestly, I soaked up the rewards that accompanied showing horses--feelings of accomplishment and prestige. This week has been a time to step back and reflect on the journey the Lord has taken me on in the past year...I kind of feel like journey might be an understatement. Maybe "odyssey"* would be more appropriate?  

I've been apathetic, and I've been sensitive. I've been broken in certain areas and healed in others. I've learned how to hurt, and I've learned how to forgive. At moments, I've been completely filled with joy. At moments, I've been completely overcome by loneliness and depression. I've feared for the future. I've rejoiced in His promises.  I've been proud. I've been humbled. I've been bitter at the Lord, and I've wept in desperation for Him. 

Around this time last year, I got an image of this painting. Initially a white canvas was presented. Paint of various colors began to pollute the emptiness--strokes and splatters in seemingly random chaos. Each stroke looked grotesque as the colors began to clash against one another, fighting to distract the eye. After several strokes, however, the colors began to compliment each other in an oddly unforeseen way.  Finally, after taking a step back the masterpiece that existed before me was exquisite. I couldn't believe that something so intricately beautiful had come from a once bare canvas. 

In the past year, the Lord has been doing His fair share of "polluting" on the canvas of my heart. So, even though this week has brought up emotionally delicate memories, He has reminded me of the masterpiece He's continually working on. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us a new in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Eph. 2:10)

Some pics for the week...

Nathan, me, Kat, and Kyle enjoying a day off in Boulder. 

Me and Sawyu before she left for Thailand. 

Beautiful sunrise at Mountainside.

*odyssey: a long and eventful journey; a ridiculously legit homegroup (ironic much?) 

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LT (Week 8)

This week was so good...until Wednesday. 

I've been feeling really restless about being here, and I have the desire to run away from it. I’m so tired of being stuck in this routine. After talking to a couple different people, the answer seemed clear...I needed a Sabbath--just a day completely devoted to meeting with the Lord. So, I set my alarm for 5am, threw my guitar, a hammock, and my backpack in Petunia Prius and drove up to Mountainside to watch the sunrise Wednesday morning. I had every intention of staying up on the mountain the whole day, but when I sensed that the presence of the Lord was completely absent, I became overwhelmingly anxious. I tried worshipping. I tried reading the Word. I tried praying. I tried being silent...

I drove back down the mountain and decided it was time to get away. Without really any direction or plan, I found myself on the highway to Boulder. All I wanted to do was spend time with the Lord, and if that required driving a while by myself I was completely fine with that. I actually enjoy driving time because Petunia Prius usually doubles as a prayer room. So as I drove, I cried out to the Lord in confusion about what was happening. Longing for intimacy with him, I prayed "Let's go away together Lord. Take me on an adventure today." When I arrived in Boulder, I found a little coffee shop and began to journal. However, anxiety began to overwhelm me once again as I processed through what I was actually feeling. I'm really anxious about what the future holds and how I'm going to get there. I'm anxious about the time between now and then. I'm anxious about having to be in the present. 

That night, I feel like the Lord gave me a picture of a puzzle piece. This summer he's revealed a couple tiny puzzle pieces. While those pieces may be extremely important to the purpose of what will happen in the next 5 years, they don't provide the details about years 1 through 4. Faith will be required to wait patiently as the Lord unveils the other 499 pieces of the puzzle in his timing. 

While it's exciting to have vision for the next year, I need to be here now. I still have a whole month left of LT. Obviously there is still things the Lord wants to teach me, or I wouldn't have had a day like Wednesday. He's not done growing me, shaping me, molding me. I will always be his work in progress. So, while the future is extremely exciting, the Lord has me right here, right now.  

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:
-He's not done with me this summer.
-I will continually be a "work in progress." 
-He will be faithful in unveiling the rest of the puzzle, but only in his timing. 

Some Pics from this Week: 

Sunrise from Mountainside.

Mr. Elk. 

Wildflowers at the outdoor chapel. 

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Longing for Heavenly Things

Hey, check out this blog. I read it this morning, and it was such an encouragement! 

http://seekonething.com/2013/07/02/a-heavenly-vision/

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LT (Week 7)

This week has been yet another seven days filled with highs and lows...

A couple relationships have really been put on my heart this week. I've become aware of how afraid I am of changing how I interact with certain people. Honestly, I'm afraid to go deeper in complete fear that doing so would be neither received or appreciated. The emotional distance between us has grown farther and farther throughout the years. Hurt works its way to the surface as I'm reminded of exactly how wide that gap is.   My whole being longs to know each of these individuals better. I want so badly for our relationships to be a safe place for one another. Instead I'm met with towering walls too high to allow the vulnerability of the heart to pierce its thickness. In a way, I'm thankful that the Lord has brought this up because I'm reassured that I haven't become apathetic. I'm attempting to rely on the Lord in my grief over what has become of these relationships and trust that in his time there will be healing and understanding.

During project day, we went to Boulder for evangelism. I woke up that morning with absolutely no explanation for how I was feeling. Expecting nervousness, I was surprised by eagerness. When we arrived in Boulder, everyone was put into pairs and sent out. My partner and I walked around for a little while praying for the Lord to put specific people on our heart. Man, did he provide. We had several good conversations with a variety of people from differing backgrounds and religious practices. I think one of the most encouraging conversations was with a man named Doug. Raised in the Presbyterian church, Doug was very familiar with the Christian church. However, when asked why he decided to pursue Atheism instead, the wounds began to surface. He explained how he found Christians incredibly hypocritical and obsessed with the church. My partner and I began to speak truth into the lies he had believed about Christianity. Some kind of seed was definitely planted within those deserted lies as he told us how appreciative he was that we were talking about what following Jesus was really intended to look like. Even though we will most likely never see Doug again, I trust that the Lord is going to continue working on his heart.  

Prayer Requests for Boulder:

• Alexis is a Buddhist who is now studying Christianity. Pray that the Lord would reveal himself to her through her studies. 
• Jordan is an Atheist who just got laid off from his job as a pilot. Pray that he would see the Lord's faithfulness for the first time in his search of a job.  
• Doug is an Atheist who has been hurt by hypocritical Christians and the church. Pray that he would be able to look beyond religion and see the intimacy and truth of Jesus. 
• Rob is a Christian who was laid off from his job a couple of months ago (leaving him homeless) who is travelling to Alaska in search of work. Pray that he would continue to praise the Lord even in his current trials. 

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:
-Nothing I can do out of my own strength will mend a hurting relationship. 
-I do have a heart for evangelism. 
-Even if I don't feel equipped to share, the Lord provides opportunities for me to learn. 

Some Pics from the Week: 

Most of the girls from my project group celebrating Hayley's birthday in town. 

Me, Emily, and Julie at dinner. 

Project day in Boulder. 

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LT (Week 6)

I would have to say the main theme of this week was the Lord's presence.

"...Love and mercy and righteousness are His, and holiness so ineffable that no comparisons or figures will avail to express it. Only fire can give even a remote conception of it. In fire He appeared at the burning bush; in the pillar of fire He dwelt through all the long wilderness journey. The fire that glowed between the wings of the cherubim in the holy place was called the 'shekinah,' the Presence, through the years of Israel's glory, and when the Old had given place to the New, he came at Pentecost as a fiery flame and rested upon each disciple."

After reading this paragraph in Tozer's "Pursuit of God", I wanted to know more. The term "shekinah" stood out in particular. I knew little about the term, so I decided to do some research. This is what I found:

• shekinah does not actually appear in the translated Bible 
• means the "dwelling" or "settling"
• denotes the dwelling/settling of the divine presence of God (especially in the Temple in Jerusalem)
• comes from the Hebrew verb meaning settle, inhabit, or dwell
• Can also refer to birds' nesting (I thought this was an interesting translation because of the parallel between the Spirit nesting/making his home within us.) 
• examples: 
• The glory of the LORD dwelt on Mount Sinai, and the cloud covered it six days. And on the seventh day he called to Moses out of the midst of the cloud. (Exodus 24:16)
• And Moses was not able to enter the tent of meeting because the cloud settled on it, and the glory of the LORD filled the tabernacle. (Exodus 40:35)
• So it was always: the cloud covered it by day and the appearance of fire by night. And whenever the cloud lifted from over the tent, after that the people of Israel set out, and in the place where the cloud settled down, there the people of Israel camped. (Numbers 9:16-17)
• And the word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as from the only son from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John 1:14)

The next day I read the chapter about rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem and Nehemiah's heart for the city in "The Story," and yet again I was reminded of the Lord's presence. When Nehemiah gets the news that the wall is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire, he just sits down and weeps (Nehemiah 1: 3-4). He mourns for days. Nehemiah was upset because Jerusalem was where the temple was (the center of how God was bringing the world back to him), and it was completely exposed. Within the temple, dwelt the Shekinah in the holy of holies. Nehemiah had a sweetly reverent heart for the Lord's presence. His heart broke for what broke the Lord's heart.  

In the chapter's corresponding sermon, the pastor asked a question to the extent of,

“Is your heart too preoccupied to allow it to break for what breaks the Lord’s heart?”

This really hit me. Looking at Nehemiah's heart, it made me examine my own. Do I cherish the presence of the Lord like Nehemiah did? Is my heart broken for the abundance of people that don't understand His grace? 

Lord, I have an aching desire right now to feel your presence in this way. You’ve given me a glimpse of what Shekinah is, and Lord, I want it. I invite you to completely tear the veil to my heart. I invite you in to your holy of holies in my heart to dwell there. I want to know the fullness of your Holy Spirit burning within me. I know it is already there ready to meet with me, so I offer myself. Take your place Lord.

"Shekinah Glory" by Cory Asbury

Some Pics from the Week: 

Enjoying a great hike to Emerald Lake with these Aggies on our day off. 

Emerald Lake. 

 Mr. Marmot. 

Project day at the top of Gem Lake. 

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LT (Week 5)

What in the world to say about this week?

Work this week was really good. For the majority of the week, I was doing housekeeping in lodges (which is a pretty big change if you are used to working in cabins all the time). However, I feel like the Lord provided some pretty amazing experiences this week through that. I remember being pretty pessimistic about being in lodges before the workday had started, but like I said, the Lord provided. Wednesday had to be  (hands down) my favorite day of work so far. I was a lodge crew leader for a crew consisting of all LT participants. Throughout the day we shared testimonies, had a bed-making tournament (based on time and quality), and laughed a lot. It was incredible to see how the Lord could be present even through an otherwise not very glamorous job.

Thursday night, I attended the routine LT service. However, what the Lord did within me that night was far from routine. As John Drage spoke about things we tend to hold onto and what it meant to surrender, questions began to well up inside of me--most prominently: What am I not surrendering? As different relationships, past situations, and even future goals came to mind, I found myself quick to justify my reasonings for holding on. I began to wrestle with why I wasn't able to surrender. In that place, the Lord provided again. He began to help me maneuver through the mess, making me realize that I was clinging on unyieldingly--adamant to not let the Lord have his way within. However, as the captive areas began to slip through my fingers and into the Lord's, my heart began to breathe again. The past couple of days have been filled with immense joy. Finally, my heart is catching a glimpse of what true healing and restoration look like. 

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:
-He provides in unexpected ways.
-He knows what I need even if I'm completely oblivious.
-His process of healing is exactly that, a process. 

Some Pics from the Week: 

This is our attempt at "strolling like the Beatles"...

Clark came to visit! 

Beautiful sunset. 

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