Why I'm Ok With Being Unprepared

Things have been a little hectic recently. I'm attempting to pack up everything to move, while also attempting to pack for my upcoming trip to Nigeria. I included this picture of the current state of my room to prove a little of the chaos. More than that, I feel like my room pretty much illustrates what I've been feeling recently...unprepared. 

In less than two days I will be leaving for Nigeria. It seems a little surreal considering I've now been praying about this trip for almost a year now. It's finally here, and...I feel unprepared. Confusing, right? My instinct tells me that I should be beyond ready for this trip after all this time thinking, praying, learning, and training. About three weeks ago, I experienced some puzzling emotions towards the trip to Nigeria. Why exactly am I going again? What good am I going to do there? Especially in this place of complacency, I have nothing to offer.  I felt the Lord calling me to a time of fasting and prayer. I thought, "This will be great, the Lord will show me exactly what I need to be prepared...maybe he'll make some sense of this."

He did make sense of things. 

During those three weeks, the Lord revealed to me that I'm right where he wants me...unprepared. I felt like he asked me Jordan, will you allow me to use you? Will you be bold for me? Will you speak when I ask you to? Prayer when I ask you to? And that's when it began to make sense. Preparation comes in my willingness to be obedient. Will I go places he asks me to? Will I open my mouth to speak a word of encouragement to someone? Will I act on that feeling that someone needs prayer? Will I obey? He is going to use me if I act in simple obedience (whether I'm prepared or not). After all, he can use me much more in my weakness than in my independence and overconfidence. 

As I was discussing the glory of the Lord with a friend, the Lord reminded me of Lazarus being raised from the dead (John 11). Jesus definitely had the power to heal Lazarus when he became sick, but how much more glory does raising a man from the dead bring the Father? Jesus even turns to Martha at one point and says, "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?"  The choice is simple: be willing in weakness. He will provide the rest (and glorify himself in the process!). 

Read More

Divine Experiment

Leading up to the start of the Divine Experiment, I began asking the Lord to point out an area that I could surrender to him. When I felt like he kept bringing up coffee as a possible candidate, I was a little confused. (If your thinking that surrendering coffee to the Lord seems a little strange, then we have something in common.) Initially, I didn't see any disadvantages from my addiction to coffee (minus the expense). Coffee provides me with extra energy when my feet are dragging a little, gives me the attention span to decipher my professors' thick international accents, and acts as a great excuse to hangout with dearly-loved friends. However, when the Lord asked me to examine how often I turn to coffee instead of him for refreshment, I was taken aback. I quickly began to justify each  of the 3-5 cups/day I consume in order to quench my exhaustion.

I'll be honest. I didn't think coffee was something I could give up. Coming up with a million and one excuses to not include this area in my fast, I decided I'd fast from social media and "wait on the Lord" for something else...

Around the start of the second week, a friend asked me how my Divine Experiment was going, I told her everything (including how I had wanted to fast from coffee, but didn't feel strong enough). She really encouraged me to go ahead and try surrendering this area to the Lord and including it in the rest of the fast. So I decided I would cover the idea in prayer and go for it.

Day 1 with no coffee was absolutely horrible...I felt so sluggish the whole day. I wanted so desperately to just grab an iced coffee before class, so I wouldn't have to fight heavy eyelids. However, because of the Lord's grace I was able to resist hopping in line at the on-campus Starbucks to order my routine iced Americano. Now that those few minutes before class are not filled with scrolling through social media OR waiting in line for coffee, that time started to look a little different. I soon realized that in order to have the energy I needed to focus in class or at work I would have to rely solely on the Lord. Constantly reminding myself of this very fact focused my mind on what I was gaining through the Lord, rather than losing through my unattended newsfeed.

While, it didn't get any easier to turn down a delicious Mochalada during the third week, relying on the Lord did. Trust me, I learned that the Lord can provide way more energy than any $4 cup of coffee. By week 3, I truly believe my body switched from thriving off caffeine to being fueled by the joy of the Lord! 

Yes, I have returned to drinking coffee. But, when Day 22 rolled around I didn't jump on the opportunity. I now understand why in the world the Lord was asking me to give up my little "mug of happiness". HE wanted to fill my cup with himself instead. Let me be the one to bring you refreshment and new energy. Let me give you a joy that is overwhelming and long-lasting, not artificial and short-lived. So, while it may sound silly to say that the Lord works through your coffee addiction, I'm not going to deny the Lord's doing when it's right there in front of me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus, whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago.
                                                                                   -Acts 3:19-21 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Read More

LT (Week 9)

All I have to say is...3 weeks. In that short amount of time, I will be leaving this beautiful place I've called home for the summer. While I am expectantly awaiting the day I will drive Petunia out of the mountains, there is no doubt it will be a bittersweet feeling. It has definitely been a struggle to be in the present...

Leaving is not the only bittersweet idea consuming my thoughts this week. This week in particular marks a year since I rode a horse out of the arena at the Palomino World Championship Horse Show. As the World Show roles around once again, a wide variety of emotions begin to surface. Some days I long to be on a horse so badly I can hardly stand it, but I quickly draw back at the thought of the deep seeds of pride and success so deeply wound around my heart during that time. A year ago the Lord told me to check my priorities. That's when I realized I had made winning an idol. Honestly, I soaked up the rewards that accompanied showing horses--feelings of accomplishment and prestige. This week has been a time to step back and reflect on the journey the Lord has taken me on in the past year...I kind of feel like journey might be an understatement. Maybe "odyssey"* would be more appropriate?  

I've been apathetic, and I've been sensitive. I've been broken in certain areas and healed in others. I've learned how to hurt, and I've learned how to forgive. At moments, I've been completely filled with joy. At moments, I've been completely overcome by loneliness and depression. I've feared for the future. I've rejoiced in His promises.  I've been proud. I've been humbled. I've been bitter at the Lord, and I've wept in desperation for Him. 

Around this time last year, I got an image of this painting. Initially a white canvas was presented. Paint of various colors began to pollute the emptiness--strokes and splatters in seemingly random chaos. Each stroke looked grotesque as the colors began to clash against one another, fighting to distract the eye. After several strokes, however, the colors began to compliment each other in an oddly unforeseen way.  Finally, after taking a step back the masterpiece that existed before me was exquisite. I couldn't believe that something so intricately beautiful had come from a once bare canvas. 

In the past year, the Lord has been doing His fair share of "polluting" on the canvas of my heart. So, even though this week has brought up emotionally delicate memories, He has reminded me of the masterpiece He's continually working on. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us a new in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Eph. 2:10)

Some pics for the week...

Nathan, me, Kat, and Kyle enjoying a day off in Boulder. 

Me and Sawyu before she left for Thailand. 

Beautiful sunrise at Mountainside.

*odyssey: a long and eventful journey; a ridiculously legit homegroup (ironic much?) 

Read More

LT (Week 5)

What in the world to say about this week?

Work this week was really good. For the majority of the week, I was doing housekeeping in lodges (which is a pretty big change if you are used to working in cabins all the time). However, I feel like the Lord provided some pretty amazing experiences this week through that. I remember being pretty pessimistic about being in lodges before the workday had started, but like I said, the Lord provided. Wednesday had to be  (hands down) my favorite day of work so far. I was a lodge crew leader for a crew consisting of all LT participants. Throughout the day we shared testimonies, had a bed-making tournament (based on time and quality), and laughed a lot. It was incredible to see how the Lord could be present even through an otherwise not very glamorous job.

Thursday night, I attended the routine LT service. However, what the Lord did within me that night was far from routine. As John Drage spoke about things we tend to hold onto and what it meant to surrender, questions began to well up inside of me--most prominently: What am I not surrendering? As different relationships, past situations, and even future goals came to mind, I found myself quick to justify my reasonings for holding on. I began to wrestle with why I wasn't able to surrender. In that place, the Lord provided again. He began to help me maneuver through the mess, making me realize that I was clinging on unyieldingly--adamant to not let the Lord have his way within. However, as the captive areas began to slip through my fingers and into the Lord's, my heart began to breathe again. The past couple of days have been filled with immense joy. Finally, my heart is catching a glimpse of what true healing and restoration look like. 

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:
-He provides in unexpected ways.
-He knows what I need even if I'm completely oblivious.
-His process of healing is exactly that, a process. 

Some Pics from the Week: 

This is our attempt at "strolling like the Beatles"...

Clark came to visit! 

Beautiful sunset. 

Read More

LT (Week 3)

I can't believe I've already been here for over 2 weeks. It feels likes it has been months already...

So, this week has been pretty interesting with the Lord. It has definitely been a collection of ups and downs--highs and lows.

To fill you in a little bit...

In the final week of the spring semester, I really feel like the Lord put the thought of teaching internationally on my heart. Because my dad had worked internationally, I was fortunate enough to travel to several different countries with my family before going to college. However, if I'm not mistaken I think this endeavor might be far from overpriced trinkets and insouciant days filled with tourist attractions. If I'm being honest with myself and with you, I would say that the idea absolutely scares me. I constantly fear the unknown, and this type of adventure would be exactly that. Why me, Lord? Isn't pursuing a career in Education taking a big enough step of faith? I don't know a second language. (I did manage to make it through two years of high school Spanish, but by no means am I close to being fluent!). Why another country? Why can't you just use me here? It would be so much more comfortable...and that's where I caught myself. Who said my life is supposed to be comfortable? Who am I to put stipulations on God's calling? It is almost the same as saying, "Use me...just not there or there, oh and probably not that place either."

As I was thinking about this, the Lord reminded me of when he revealed his purpose for Moses:

"But Moses said to the Lord, 'Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent...I am slow of speech and of tongue.' Then the Lord said to him, 'Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is is not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.' But he said, 'Oh, my Lord please send someone else.'...and he said, '...I will be with your mouth...and will teach you both what to do.'" 
(Exodus 4: 10-16)

I find myself able to relate with Moses in this situation. God calls him. Moses makes excuses. God reminds him. Moses pleads. God chooses him still. A lot of times I feel ill-equipped within ministry because of various insecurities, but I think this passage just proves I'm not alone. Even though Moses had a stuttering problem, God still used him in incredible ways. The Lord definitely made no mistake in calling someone who seemed ill-equipped. Moses' insecurities were used to bring God glory. So, even though right now I'm incredible fearful of what the future holds, God has definitely reminded me this week that He is going to use me just as I am. There's no prerequisites for the Lord's calling. He's fully aware of my weakness, my incapability, and my inadequacy, yet he still chooses me.

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:

-He fills in the gaps that my weaknesses produce.

-Surrendering means surrendering without reservations.

-He will equip me if this is truly what he wants me to do.

Some Pics from the Week: 

The beautiful view from Deer Mountain. 

Me and Tierra during project day. 

Read More

Chew

Recently, I had really been struggling with temptation. At this point, I was becoming somewhat frustrated with God. I was trying to pursue him, but I felt like I was getting nothing in return. I'd hit a "dry" spot and that was just something I was going to have to accept. In reality, I was still clinging to the pursuit of temptations and idols. I was giving these things the authority to be in the throne seat, not God. On the surface, ya it looked like I was trying to climb my way out, but a deeper root longed to drag me closer to the lesser lover. The devil took delight in sneaking in--trying to lure me away from my Love using attractive and inviting ideas. 

God gave me this image of a deep drop-off with a thin ribbon strung across it. There I was in the middle holding tightly to the ribbon dangling over this long fall. I couldn't even stand on the ribbon. The only way across was inching tirelessly along the fragile material. He revealed to me that the ribbon was the lies that had been spoken to me. I had found so much worth in them because of their flattering nature. What about God's words? They are like a strong metal that sits high above the canyon waiting patiently to be used. His words are unwavering, unmovable. Nothing can break through them, but the words of the tempter are easily cut or broken.

...I appointed you a prophet to the nations." Then I said, "Ah, Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth." But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a youth'; for to all to whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the Lord." Then the Lord put out his hand and touched my mouth. And the Lord said to me "Behold, I have put my words in your mouth..." Jeremiah 1:5-9

A couple of weekends ago at SCW (Spiritual Challenge Weekend), I read these verses during the extended quiet time. During my initial reading, I didn't understand their relevance. Jeremiah was a prophet. I'm a college student. But, when I heard the following words spoken over me, I understood the connection...

More, give me more child. I want to use you, but you have to let go.

In the midst of temptation I knew where I wanted to be, but I wasn't ready to let go. Was I really half-way expecting God to swoop in (like some cheesy, spandex-wearing superhero), clear up all the junk, and say I was good to go? Yep. However, here is the beauty of a relationship with God. This time He didn't just swoop down and pull me out of the pig-sty I had created for myself. He taught me how to crawl to the perimeter, so then he could gently lift me out. In this realization, I was reminded of Hebrews 5:14. "But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." I'm begging to go deeper with God. I've taken the milk, and swallowed. I've taken the baby food, and swallowed. Now He's sitting in front of me with something solid, and I scrunch up my nose and shake my head back in forth in refusal. Yes, I want to be challenged, but I'm afraid it will hurt. I'm afraid the filth from my past will surface. I'm afraid of being out of my comfort zone. I'm afraid I'll be exposed. 

Here's where the beauty of His grace can truly be seen. I confess that I've held back. I confess I like pushing my state of complacency to the very limit without ever breaking the barrier. God wants more...He's asking me for it, but I have to meet him. Why is the first bite of solid food seem so hard? God, with your grace, I'm ready to learn how to chew on solid food. 

Read More