Broken was my name. Ashamed was my identity. Pride was my excuse. Weakness was my reasoning. Empty was my soul. But then, then you broke through. Brokenness became my offering. Shame became detached. Pride became humbled at your feet. Weakness became confidence in your promises. Satisfied became my soul. And now, now I know. Chosen is my name. Redeemed is my identity. You are my excuse. Your steadfast love is my reasoning. Overwhelmed is my soul. Thank you, Jesus.
I know I haven't posted in a while, but Christmas break was VERY busy! I was blessed with great time with my family and friends, an awesome first experience at the OneThing Conference, and a fun-filled trip to Estes Park, CO. However, I'm mainly going to be focusing on the OneThing Conference.
For a while now I've been following the 24/7 prayer room at IHOP (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City, but had never actually been. I had heard about OneThing (IHOP's winter conference), but for one reason or another I kept making excuses why I couldn't go. This year I decided that it was going to happen!! We got a small group together from our church and all met up there.
Recently, I had been feeling absent-minded in worship--like I was just going through the motions. Having experienced this place before, I'm aware of its effects. I knew I didn't want to fall into that again. Prior to the conference, I began praying for God to really stir my heart in worship again and to literally feel his presence.
So, here's my experience...
Walking into the first worship session of the conference was completely overwhelming. As we were walking to our seats I was able to take in what 20,000+ people worshipping looked like. Scanning the audience, I could see people praying, singing, kneeling, laying, and dancing. Later that night, we came back for the evening worship session. I began praying for my heart to be inviting of his presence. I wanted to be real with myself and God--to genuinely sing praises, not empty words. Here's part of a journal entry I wrote on my experience that night:
"I felt your presence so clearly...I kept getting floods over my stomach...a warm sensation, yet cool at the same time. The waves happened several times...that was the first time I had truly experienced your presence...catching a glimpse of your heart and intentions for worship..."
During that time I also had a picture of my wedding day. I remember seeing myself standing at the end of the aisle preparing to walk to the altar, but I felt completely ashamed. My dress was tattered and torn, leaving my eyes fixed to the floor with feelings of unworthiness flooding over me. As I looked up towards the altar, I saw Jesus. He looked back at me with a radiant smile. He was beaming at the sight of me, even to the point of tears. I couldn't understand it. Why me? What is there to love about me?
The next morning at the conference I felt extremely anxious. I decided to go down to the prayer room and journal--attempting to process through what was going on. As I began writing I realized I was feeling this way about the picture I had gotten the night before.Why me? What is there to love about me?Frantically flipping through my Bible, I found several verses stating Jesus' love for us. However, none of them answered the question why?
I still don't fully understand why Jesus chooses to love us, but here are some conclusions I've come to since that day at the conference:
1) Jesus loves me because I was created for him. I was created as his bride. My purpose is being his lover. Just like a marriage, he desires me as a husband does. As the bride, I am pursued and adored by him.
2) Before Jesus, God could not have a relationship with us because of our sin. His way to get rid of our sin was to send Jesus to die for us. "Christ suffered for our sins once for all time. He never sinned, but he died for sinners to bring you safely home to God. He suffered physical death, but he was raised to life in the Spirit" (1 Peter 3:18).
I'm continuing to pray for more understanding of Jesus' love for me, but like I said before, I don't know if I will ever fully be able to comprehend it. His love is said to be boundless, indescribable, and limitless. Just thinking about those words humbles my heart towards him!
You know me. You delight in me. You romance me. You call me beloved. You find me worthy of pursuit. You woo me again and again. You give me incomprehensible joy. You call me beloved. You satisfy me. You treasure me. You enrapture me. You call me beloved. You show me real intimacy. You sing love songs over me. You are my bridegroom. I'm your beloved.
Ok, I'll admit...I've become slightly obsessed with the song, "My Dear" from the Bethel Loft Sessions. Whenever there is 4 minutes of silence, this song should be playing. No excuses. At first, I wasn't sure why I found myself so captivated by this song. I mean it's just another worship song right? Says the same things, right? Wrong. Take a look at the lyrics...
I am Yours and You are mine.
I am ravished by the sight
Of one glimpse into Your eyes.
My lover's coming for His bride.
For there is none upon the earth
That I desire before You Lord.
For You've been faithful all my days.
Your love endures, it will never fade away.
I need to say what my soul is singing.
I need to say what my heart is screaming.
That I love You my dear.
That I love You my dear my dear.
That I love You my dear.
That I love You my dear my dear.
You're everything I ever wanted.
Everything I ever needed.
(You've ravished my heart.)
You're everything I ever wanted.
Everything I ever needed.
(You've ravished my heart.)
Define the word ravished. According to dictionary.com, it means "filled with strong emotion, especially joy." But that's a dictionary...what does it feel like to have a ravished heart? For me, this is why I can't get enough of this song. It reminds me of the Jesus I fell in love with in the first place. It brings me back to that place of the initial intimacy I felt when I entered into this beautiful romance with him."I am Yours and You are mine." He desires me--a sinful, prideful, arrogant, selfish person. Yet, he still wants me? Yes. When Jesus whispers this to me for the trillionth time, my heart is ravished by him. "The lover's coming for His bride." That's me. I'm his bride. He wants to sweep me off my feet, to romance me. "I need to say what my soul is singing. I need to say what my heart is screaming." I can't contain it. My heart may explode just from getting a single glimpse, a single moment of understanding the magnitude of his love for me. When you're in love with someone, you can't contain the way you feel. It flows out of you. Your emotion, your yearning to be with that person, your ache of not being with that person, your joy, your giddiness, your failure to focus and be present. This is how I feel about Jesus. He enraptures me. He captivates me. "I love You my dear."
