LT (Week 11)

Well, I started my last work week Friday. As I'm trying to hangout with as many people as possible before we go back to our respective campuses, I'm reminded that this is "getting real". Soon, several of the people I've been living with and working with everyday for the past 3 months will not be returning to Texas with me. I knew it was bound to happen, but it's just becoming more and more undeniable. I think I am in a slight state of denial though. I'm sure as I drive out of the mountains for the last time this summer in 7 days, it will hit me...

This week has been pretty difficult. A couple insecurities have crept into my thoughts as I'm attempting to stay focused on keeping a positive attitude about being here. I've been writing for a couple weeks about my struggles with being present, but I think I've about hit a breaking point. I feel exhausted from being here (spiritually and physically). It should be no surprise to me that in a place of weakness, I'm vulnerable to attack. But, for some reason it took me a little by surprise. I quickly turned to self-condemning thoughts--telling myself that I've already accepted freedom from these things. While this is completely true, the enemy loves to twist even the acceptance of freedom.

However, this week was not difficult for negative reasons alone.

Several weeks ago I had mentioned that a couple relationships with different people had been put on my heart. I had written, "I'm afraid to go deeper in complete fear that doing so would be neither received or appreciated." Well, the Lord pretty clearly labeled that statement as a lie this week. This week the Lord gave me a renewed hope for those relationships. It doesn't mean the strengthening process is easy---it never is. At first, I experienced every single type of emotion when thinking about these relationships. However, through processing with the Lord's help, I've been able to see the bigger picture of what he's doing. Things are being pieced together, and it's a beautiful picture. I truly trust the Lord now. I can see how he's already bringing restoration to these areas, and it is so so sweet.

Some pics from this week:

My awesome project group after we bought these lovely clothes for each other from a thrift store.

My precious lifegroup (Tierra, Alaina, and Jessie). 

Some of the International students I've met this summer. 

During the making of our Avengers-themed project group video. 

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LT (Week 9)

All I have to say is...3 weeks. In that short amount of time, I will be leaving this beautiful place I've called home for the summer. While I am expectantly awaiting the day I will drive Petunia out of the mountains, there is no doubt it will be a bittersweet feeling. It has definitely been a struggle to be in the present...

Leaving is not the only bittersweet idea consuming my thoughts this week. This week in particular marks a year since I rode a horse out of the arena at the Palomino World Championship Horse Show. As the World Show roles around once again, a wide variety of emotions begin to surface. Some days I long to be on a horse so badly I can hardly stand it, but I quickly draw back at the thought of the deep seeds of pride and success so deeply wound around my heart during that time. A year ago the Lord told me to check my priorities. That's when I realized I had made winning an idol. Honestly, I soaked up the rewards that accompanied showing horses--feelings of accomplishment and prestige. This week has been a time to step back and reflect on the journey the Lord has taken me on in the past year...I kind of feel like journey might be an understatement. Maybe "odyssey"* would be more appropriate?  

I've been apathetic, and I've been sensitive. I've been broken in certain areas and healed in others. I've learned how to hurt, and I've learned how to forgive. At moments, I've been completely filled with joy. At moments, I've been completely overcome by loneliness and depression. I've feared for the future. I've rejoiced in His promises.  I've been proud. I've been humbled. I've been bitter at the Lord, and I've wept in desperation for Him. 

Around this time last year, I got an image of this painting. Initially a white canvas was presented. Paint of various colors began to pollute the emptiness--strokes and splatters in seemingly random chaos. Each stroke looked grotesque as the colors began to clash against one another, fighting to distract the eye. After several strokes, however, the colors began to compliment each other in an oddly unforeseen way.  Finally, after taking a step back the masterpiece that existed before me was exquisite. I couldn't believe that something so intricately beautiful had come from a once bare canvas. 

In the past year, the Lord has been doing His fair share of "polluting" on the canvas of my heart. So, even though this week has brought up emotionally delicate memories, He has reminded me of the masterpiece He's continually working on. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us a new in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Eph. 2:10)

Some pics for the week...

Nathan, me, Kat, and Kyle enjoying a day off in Boulder. 

Me and Sawyu before she left for Thailand. 

Beautiful sunrise at Mountainside.

*odyssey: a long and eventful journey; a ridiculously legit homegroup (ironic much?) 

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LT (Week 5)

What in the world to say about this week?

Work this week was really good. For the majority of the week, I was doing housekeeping in lodges (which is a pretty big change if you are used to working in cabins all the time). However, I feel like the Lord provided some pretty amazing experiences this week through that. I remember being pretty pessimistic about being in lodges before the workday had started, but like I said, the Lord provided. Wednesday had to be  (hands down) my favorite day of work so far. I was a lodge crew leader for a crew consisting of all LT participants. Throughout the day we shared testimonies, had a bed-making tournament (based on time and quality), and laughed a lot. It was incredible to see how the Lord could be present even through an otherwise not very glamorous job.

Thursday night, I attended the routine LT service. However, what the Lord did within me that night was far from routine. As John Drage spoke about things we tend to hold onto and what it meant to surrender, questions began to well up inside of me--most prominently: What am I not surrendering? As different relationships, past situations, and even future goals came to mind, I found myself quick to justify my reasonings for holding on. I began to wrestle with why I wasn't able to surrender. In that place, the Lord provided again. He began to help me maneuver through the mess, making me realize that I was clinging on unyieldingly--adamant to not let the Lord have his way within. However, as the captive areas began to slip through my fingers and into the Lord's, my heart began to breathe again. The past couple of days have been filled with immense joy. Finally, my heart is catching a glimpse of what true healing and restoration look like. 

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:
-He provides in unexpected ways.
-He knows what I need even if I'm completely oblivious.
-His process of healing is exactly that, a process. 

Some Pics from the Week: 

This is our attempt at "strolling like the Beatles"...

Clark came to visit! 

Beautiful sunset. 

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LT (Week 1)

My summer in Estes Park, CO has officially begun. My dad and I drove to Denver on Tuesday. He flew out Wednesday morning, and I made my way to Estes. I definitely forgot how scared I was of driving in the mountains, but thank the Lord, I made it safely. Once at the Y, I got everything situated in my room. As I put the last of my stuff up, it hit me--I'm at LT!!! This is an opportunity I started praying about a year ago, and now I'm sitting in the middle of the floor in a staff dorm room at the Y. How did I even get to this place? 

This past spring semester was pretty difficult with God. I don't even know what type of "season" you could call it. The only thing that comes to mind is "crappy". As I continued to pursue the Lord through spending time with him, worship, and prayer, it seemed like he was gone--completely absent. After what I thought was pouring my heart out to him (more like forcing myself to spend time with him) and receiving nothing in return, I became weak. I had nothing left to give, and honestly, I was tired of trying. As a result, bitterness began to creep its way into my thoughts towards him. I had never even dealt with depression or loneliness before this semester, but both became pretty familiar and reoccurring feelings. When I would feel depressed or alone, all I wanted was to cry out to God, but my heart kept telling me he wouldn't be there. My trust in God dwindled severely over these past couple of months, and of course the devil jumped at this opportunity. As soon as I would even start feeling down, my thoughts would snowball, putting me right back into that place of depression and complete vulnerability to the lies the enemy was so ready to feed me.

However, I started forcing myself to seek out truths about who God is and how he views me. Through this, the Lord has revealed several things about this semester and even this summer. Thankfully he's shown me that this is an area I've been blind to for a while now. I've been hiding behind a half-hearted commitment. As soon as one of these truths is tested, I find myself standing on wobbly knees and a weak foundation. I'm beginning to see that God is definitely teaching me something in this season. I'm sure there will be more on that later...

Some things the Lord has been teaching me this week: 

-Joy can be found in difficult work. 

-He desires to pour his Spirit on me in dry seasons. (Isaiah 44)

-He wants to help me grow in my weak areas if I will just ask him. 

Photo of the week: 

Welcome to the YMCA of the Rockies! 

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