Why I'm Ok With Being Unprepared

Things have been a little hectic recently. I'm attempting to pack up everything to move, while also attempting to pack for my upcoming trip to Nigeria. I included this picture of the current state of my room to prove a little of the chaos. More than that, I feel like my room pretty much illustrates what I've been feeling recently...unprepared. 

In less than two days I will be leaving for Nigeria. It seems a little surreal considering I've now been praying about this trip for almost a year now. It's finally here, and...I feel unprepared. Confusing, right? My instinct tells me that I should be beyond ready for this trip after all this time thinking, praying, learning, and training. About three weeks ago, I experienced some puzzling emotions towards the trip to Nigeria. Why exactly am I going again? What good am I going to do there? Especially in this place of complacency, I have nothing to offer.  I felt the Lord calling me to a time of fasting and prayer. I thought, "This will be great, the Lord will show me exactly what I need to be prepared...maybe he'll make some sense of this."

He did make sense of things. 

During those three weeks, the Lord revealed to me that I'm right where he wants me...unprepared. I felt like he asked me Jordan, will you allow me to use you? Will you be bold for me? Will you speak when I ask you to? Prayer when I ask you to? And that's when it began to make sense. Preparation comes in my willingness to be obedient. Will I go places he asks me to? Will I open my mouth to speak a word of encouragement to someone? Will I act on that feeling that someone needs prayer? Will I obey? He is going to use me if I act in simple obedience (whether I'm prepared or not). After all, he can use me much more in my weakness than in my independence and overconfidence. 

As I was discussing the glory of the Lord with a friend, the Lord reminded me of Lazarus being raised from the dead (John 11). Jesus definitely had the power to heal Lazarus when he became sick, but how much more glory does raising a man from the dead bring the Father? Jesus even turns to Martha at one point and says, "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?"  The choice is simple: be willing in weakness. He will provide the rest (and glorify himself in the process!). 

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Don't you see you can trust Me?

The past few days I have been very anxious. My thoughts have been racing a million miles and hour, yet I haven't had the strength to sit in silence before the Lord. Knowing that I hear the Lord most clearly through music, I sat myself down at the piano. I started singing about my weakness before the Lord when I felt like he gave me this chorus. He sings over me, "Don't you see, you can trust me? Won't you lean on me?" He invites me into his presence where there is peace and stability. All he asks is for me to come sit at his feet and soak in his goodness.

Here's the link: 
https://soundcloud.com/jordanmiller-9/prophetic-dont-you-see

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Divine Experiment

Leading up to the start of the Divine Experiment, I began asking the Lord to point out an area that I could surrender to him. When I felt like he kept bringing up coffee as a possible candidate, I was a little confused. (If your thinking that surrendering coffee to the Lord seems a little strange, then we have something in common.) Initially, I didn't see any disadvantages from my addiction to coffee (minus the expense). Coffee provides me with extra energy when my feet are dragging a little, gives me the attention span to decipher my professors' thick international accents, and acts as a great excuse to hangout with dearly-loved friends. However, when the Lord asked me to examine how often I turn to coffee instead of him for refreshment, I was taken aback. I quickly began to justify each  of the 3-5 cups/day I consume in order to quench my exhaustion.

I'll be honest. I didn't think coffee was something I could give up. Coming up with a million and one excuses to not include this area in my fast, I decided I'd fast from social media and "wait on the Lord" for something else...

Around the start of the second week, a friend asked me how my Divine Experiment was going, I told her everything (including how I had wanted to fast from coffee, but didn't feel strong enough). She really encouraged me to go ahead and try surrendering this area to the Lord and including it in the rest of the fast. So I decided I would cover the idea in prayer and go for it.

Day 1 with no coffee was absolutely horrible...I felt so sluggish the whole day. I wanted so desperately to just grab an iced coffee before class, so I wouldn't have to fight heavy eyelids. However, because of the Lord's grace I was able to resist hopping in line at the on-campus Starbucks to order my routine iced Americano. Now that those few minutes before class are not filled with scrolling through social media OR waiting in line for coffee, that time started to look a little different. I soon realized that in order to have the energy I needed to focus in class or at work I would have to rely solely on the Lord. Constantly reminding myself of this very fact focused my mind on what I was gaining through the Lord, rather than losing through my unattended newsfeed.

While, it didn't get any easier to turn down a delicious Mochalada during the third week, relying on the Lord did. Trust me, I learned that the Lord can provide way more energy than any $4 cup of coffee. By week 3, I truly believe my body switched from thriving off caffeine to being fueled by the joy of the Lord! 

Yes, I have returned to drinking coffee. But, when Day 22 rolled around I didn't jump on the opportunity. I now understand why in the world the Lord was asking me to give up my little "mug of happiness". HE wanted to fill my cup with himself instead. Let me be the one to bring you refreshment and new energy. Let me give you a joy that is overwhelming and long-lasting, not artificial and short-lived. So, while it may sound silly to say that the Lord works through your coffee addiction, I'm not going to deny the Lord's doing when it's right there in front of me.

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Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus, whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago.
                                                                                   -Acts 3:19-21 
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Post LT Depression?

LT-life: beautiful Estes Park, Colorado, prayer, deep conversations, worship, Jesus, restoration, healing, community, and woodland creatures.

Post-LT life: humid College Station, TX, exhausting, Calculus, Physics, Statistics, tutoring, homework, reading, and Google Calendar.

If you are reading this you are probably thinking to yourself, "Yep, that's definitely post-LT depression." And I would happen to agree with you...to an extent. The sad reality is that, yes, eventually all of my friends from other universities would have to return to their respective states and carry on with life. I would be lying to say that I don't truly miss my friends, but being back in the "real world" has forced me to integrate my experiences at LT into the craziness of life in C-Stat. While College Station is absolutely nothing like the beautiful scenery of the Rocky Mountain National Park, I'm beginning to appreciate it for its own unique beauty--a beauty that exists past the tan concrete buildings and oak trees that populate the campus. (I'll get back to that in a minute.)

My first week of class was not what I really had in mind. I found myself going in and out of minor panic attacks during class when the professor would ask if there was anyone who wasn't an engineering major in the room. Me and a few others would timidly raise our hands. Obviously I'm the odd one out, which left me questioning. Am I smart enough to be in these classes? Is this all really worth it? More importantly, is this the track the Lord wants me on? Outside of class, I took a job as a math tutor in Peer Academic Services. So with work and class combined, I'm stuck on campus for most of the day. Add homegroup responsibilities on top of that, and that creates one stressed out college student.

However, I did say that I'm learning to appreciate the beauty of where I'm at. If you read any of my blog from this summer, you've probably heard me talk about a passion for the lost stirring in my heart. Well, nothing new there. It's still a stirrin'. What is new is how it's affecting my life at A&M. Prior to this summer, I sat in my classes (like most students do) and never as much as looked in the direction of the individuals sitting 4" away from me on either side. Prior to this summer, I was under the assumption that the majority of students at A&M were Christ-following disciples. Prior to this summer, I believed that all international students wanted nothing to do with Americans. However, I've learned that, yes, humans do like to interact with other humans (shocker!). Everyone likes to feel cared about and paid attention to. So, long story short, this summer has completely changed my perspective of how I view the campus of Texas A&M University. I'm beginning to understand that God is a much bigger part of the "college experience" than I had ever imagined.

As for feeling overwhelmed already, that's a lack of trust on my part. I still feel pretty strongly that the Lord is calling me to be a high school educator, so I'm kind of required to accept the challenge of the courses that seem like too much. I've realized, after this week, that this semester is going to take a lot of dependency on the Lord.  I have a gut feeling that he's planning on growing me in that area even more than he has in the last 3 months.

So...post-LT depression? Maybe a little, but I'm beginning to see the beauty of where the Lord has me.

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