LT (Week 4)

I've come to the realization that this week has been quite disconnected and confusing for me. In addition to this blog, I write a lot in my journal which serves as a safe place for me to just exhale all of my thoughts. Today, I went back to look at this week's entries and realized that I had typed almost 2500 words. So, I attempted to comb through the chaos and here's what I came up with...

NUMERO UNO:

One thing that came up at the beginning of the week was true femininity and beauty. If you are a woman reading this, then I'm sure this topic is nothing new to you--it seems to just be a reoccurring theme. Nevertheless, I seemed to be caught off guard that the familiar topic came up this week, but I think the Lord brought it up for a reason. So, I'll begin with a confession...I tend to people watch a lot. I like to observe how people interact with each other and in different scenarios. For some reason, ultra-feminine girls* stuck out like clear flashing lights in the rather hazy and routine environment. Ever since high school, I've struggled with seeing this type of girl as weak. Observing this, I started questioning what true beauty is. Who is to define it?  Lord, all I want is to be a strong, devoted woman after your heart alone. To what extent should I take part in these type of actions or discussions? How much should a godly woman embrace femininity, and what is pleasing to you? 

NUMERO DOS: 

As part of the LT program, I was required to read Chapter 1 of A.W. Tozer's "The Pursuit of God." While I was reading, my heart was stirred. God reminded me of the importance of seeking his presence. I pursue God because he created me that way. He put the desire within me because I was created as his lover. Because of this I can't take any credit for my pursuit of him. His presence is not something I just have to accept, but I have to strive for. However, "all the time we are pursuing him, we are already in his hand...he waits to be wanted." In order to make himself known to us, he draws close to human personality and feels similarly to humans.  He promises to not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly—Psalms 84:11. As I read, I was reminded of the song by Matt Gilman “As the Deer” (listen to it below!). In this song, the lyrics to the bridge are…I set my heart on a pilgrimage, through the valley of weeping I will go. I set my heart on a pilgrimage until I appear before God in Zion. This served as an incredible reminder. In that pilgrimage I know there will be testing and trials (the valley of weeping), but he doesn't withhold himself even within those times. While pursuit of God can be hard, after all the trials and junk, his presence becomes so much sweeter.

Matt Gilman "As the Deer" (OneThing 2012) 

NUMERO TRES:

Also as part of LT, our project group attended the Sonlife workshop, "The Everyday Commandment" put on by John Drage. I think one of the things that I hadn’t realized is how incredibly important love is. Loving God cannot be separated from loving people. The seminar really awakened my heart and desire to share the gospel. I’ve “known” the importance of sharing the gospel, but this time it became personal. One of the questions John Drage asked was “What do you want more than anything else in the world?” I want affirmation that I’m doing what the Lord wants for me. I’m so afraid that I’m making up his “calling” in my head. God, I want to know that you’ve purposed me for what I am doing or planning to do. A couple of the people in my project group discussed this question during the lunch break. After lunch, the last session really stirred my heart for missions. It made me realize that even though I don’t feel equipped to go or share, the Lord is going to equip me and provide everything I need to share! It was really sweet how quickly he even provided that realization and confirmation of this desire!  

Like I said, this week has been crazy. My thoughts and emotions have been all over the place, so there's not really a major "lesson" for the week, but rather several. I'm still attempting to piece them together and sort out what associates with what, but I know one thing for sure. The Lord is growing me and bringing up desire for him in ways I never would have imagined. 

Photo of the week: 

Just hanging out on top of a boulder. 

Enjoying some Hayley's Ice Cream in Estes. 

*By this I mean acting and talking about all things "girly" including, but not limited to: boys, shoes, clothes, shopping, make-up, pinterest, and every baby animal in existence...

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LT (Week 3)

I can't believe I've already been here for over 2 weeks. It feels likes it has been months already...

So, this week has been pretty interesting with the Lord. It has definitely been a collection of ups and downs--highs and lows.

To fill you in a little bit...

In the final week of the spring semester, I really feel like the Lord put the thought of teaching internationally on my heart. Because my dad had worked internationally, I was fortunate enough to travel to several different countries with my family before going to college. However, if I'm not mistaken I think this endeavor might be far from overpriced trinkets and insouciant days filled with tourist attractions. If I'm being honest with myself and with you, I would say that the idea absolutely scares me. I constantly fear the unknown, and this type of adventure would be exactly that. Why me, Lord? Isn't pursuing a career in Education taking a big enough step of faith? I don't know a second language. (I did manage to make it through two years of high school Spanish, but by no means am I close to being fluent!). Why another country? Why can't you just use me here? It would be so much more comfortable...and that's where I caught myself. Who said my life is supposed to be comfortable? Who am I to put stipulations on God's calling? It is almost the same as saying, "Use me...just not there or there, oh and probably not that place either."

As I was thinking about this, the Lord reminded me of when he revealed his purpose for Moses:

"But Moses said to the Lord, 'Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent...I am slow of speech and of tongue.' Then the Lord said to him, 'Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is is not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.' But he said, 'Oh, my Lord please send someone else.'...and he said, '...I will be with your mouth...and will teach you both what to do.'" 
(Exodus 4: 10-16)

I find myself able to relate with Moses in this situation. God calls him. Moses makes excuses. God reminds him. Moses pleads. God chooses him still. A lot of times I feel ill-equipped within ministry because of various insecurities, but I think this passage just proves I'm not alone. Even though Moses had a stuttering problem, God still used him in incredible ways. The Lord definitely made no mistake in calling someone who seemed ill-equipped. Moses' insecurities were used to bring God glory. So, even though right now I'm incredible fearful of what the future holds, God has definitely reminded me this week that He is going to use me just as I am. There's no prerequisites for the Lord's calling. He's fully aware of my weakness, my incapability, and my inadequacy, yet he still chooses me.

What the Lord has been teaching me this week:

-He fills in the gaps that my weaknesses produce.

-Surrendering means surrendering without reservations.

-He will equip me if this is truly what he wants me to do.

Some Pics from the Week: 

The beautiful view from Deer Mountain. 

Me and Tierra during project day. 

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LT (Week 2)

I'm exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Who knew housekeeping could be so tiring? This is definitely a little bit different experience then running around with middle-school aged campers all day during the summer. However, I think I'm finally starting to adjust a little. 

We got to meet our project groups this week!! We've already had some pretty fun times together. I'm really looking forward to seeing where God takes our friendships this summer. 

As far as my week goes spiritually though...it has been pretty rough. 

Thursday I went hiking with a couple of friends in Rocky Mountain National Park. Once we got to the summit of the mountain, we spread out and had some time alone. After a while we got together and spent some time praying over our summers and soaking in God's beautiful creation before us. As we were praying, I got this picture: there was a really wide, long tunnel and the scene that was in front of us (the mountains) was painted like a moral around the tunnel (top, bottom, and sides). As soon as I got to the entrance, I started going through the tunnel. I went faster and faster as the tunnel grew tighter and darker. Finally, at the end in complete darkness, there was a radiant heart just sitting there. I’m not sure what this means. What I got from it was God saying, “you think the mountains are beautiful, but YOU are my magnificent creation. No mountain could surpass how beautifully I have created you.” 

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. (Ephesians 2:10)

In this moment, I was in complete awe of God. For some reason I felt safe in the mountain. In order to hike up a mountain, one might experience pain, fear, and lack of security mixed with excitement, adrenaline, and awe. In a way, it was like the Lord was telling me that there was safety in the trials I'm going through no matter how unsure I feel in the moment. 

Later that day a couple situations sparked feelings of bitterness, pride, and even inadequacy (I know that's quite the range of emotions). It seemed that other situations only confirmed the feelings. At first the lies came quietly, but by the time I sat down in the LT worship service that night, I was at my lowest. I can honestly say, I've never felt as broken as I have that night. It was like I was backed into a corner, tied down, and beaten with lie after lie. In this moment, for the first time I experienced what it is like to be completely desperate for the Lord. I've never felt so weak in my life. Through this experience the Lord showed me a glimpse of what it means to be poor in spirit. As a result, I feel incredibly humbled in the Lord's presence. Yes, the junk I'm going through right now hurts, but I'm experiencing growing pains just like a child. 

Things the Lord has been teaching me this week: 

-poverty of spirit

-what it means to be desperate for him

-humility 

Some Pics from the Week: 

My project group's human pyramid for 
the photo scavenger hunt. 

Our awkward family photo. 

Nathan, Kyle, and I hiking Deer Mountain. 

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LT (Week 1)

My summer in Estes Park, CO has officially begun. My dad and I drove to Denver on Tuesday. He flew out Wednesday morning, and I made my way to Estes. I definitely forgot how scared I was of driving in the mountains, but thank the Lord, I made it safely. Once at the Y, I got everything situated in my room. As I put the last of my stuff up, it hit me--I'm at LT!!! This is an opportunity I started praying about a year ago, and now I'm sitting in the middle of the floor in a staff dorm room at the Y. How did I even get to this place? 

This past spring semester was pretty difficult with God. I don't even know what type of "season" you could call it. The only thing that comes to mind is "crappy". As I continued to pursue the Lord through spending time with him, worship, and prayer, it seemed like he was gone--completely absent. After what I thought was pouring my heart out to him (more like forcing myself to spend time with him) and receiving nothing in return, I became weak. I had nothing left to give, and honestly, I was tired of trying. As a result, bitterness began to creep its way into my thoughts towards him. I had never even dealt with depression or loneliness before this semester, but both became pretty familiar and reoccurring feelings. When I would feel depressed or alone, all I wanted was to cry out to God, but my heart kept telling me he wouldn't be there. My trust in God dwindled severely over these past couple of months, and of course the devil jumped at this opportunity. As soon as I would even start feeling down, my thoughts would snowball, putting me right back into that place of depression and complete vulnerability to the lies the enemy was so ready to feed me.

However, I started forcing myself to seek out truths about who God is and how he views me. Through this, the Lord has revealed several things about this semester and even this summer. Thankfully he's shown me that this is an area I've been blind to for a while now. I've been hiding behind a half-hearted commitment. As soon as one of these truths is tested, I find myself standing on wobbly knees and a weak foundation. I'm beginning to see that God is definitely teaching me something in this season. I'm sure there will be more on that later...

Some things the Lord has been teaching me this week: 

-Joy can be found in difficult work. 

-He desires to pour his Spirit on me in dry seasons. (Isaiah 44)

-He wants to help me grow in my weak areas if I will just ask him. 

Photo of the week: 

Welcome to the YMCA of the Rockies! 

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LT (Day 1)

Thank you so much for your support and prayers for this summer. I can't wait to see what adventures the Lord takes me on in these next 3 months in Estes Park, CO. In order to keep you informed, I will attempt to keep this blog  updated weekly with all the happenings in my life at the YMCA of the Rockies. I look forward to a challenging, yet fruitful summer. God has already been extremely faithful in even getting me here to spend a whole summer with Him! 

Here's my address for the summer:
Estes Park Center, YMCA of the Rockies
Jordan Miller--Staff
P.O. Box 20700
Estes Park, CO 80511

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Running Away

"Running Away" 

My soul hurts here. 
I'm faithless right now, Father 
In this place of self-pity. 
I can't stand it hardly any longer. 

I want out.
Why won't you just let me go? 
I don't need your embraces. 
It's been so long, I think I'd know. 

I'm stubborn, Lord. 
My head tells me 
You still want me. 
But, my heart says don't believe me. 

Are you still there?
Where have you gone?
This pain is suffocating.
I can't hold my breath for long. 

You promised me sweet, sweet places.
You invited me to "come away".
That's what I long for and desire most,  
But, I'm already prepared to run the other way. 

This place is broken, scattered, 
Tattered, and falling apart.
It's withering slowly. 
God, I'm desperate for a new heart. 

In me, why do you take such delight?
If only you could see into this cloud
Of filth and shame and see that
Your bride's not spotless and white.  

Bring life again to this dry place. 
Let my heart swell at the mention of your name.
Teach it to dance again with you precious one.  
Oh precious one, the one that was slain. 

You ask me, "Where are you running to?"
To you it seems already so clear. 
"A better place," I reply from my clouded thoughts,    
But you answer, "Child, you're already here."


-Jordan Miller 

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Show and Tell

The last couple of weeks I've been reading through "The Story." Basically this book puts the Bible in chronological order and tells the Bible as a continuous story. The book has definitely helped me grasp a lot of things I didn't understand before and realize things I'd never thought of before. 

Reading through the story of Moses again has allowed me to notice new things. In particular, I never really realized how God's character plays a role in this story. God can often be seen as vengeful or angry in the Old Testament. However, when I read through the story again, I saw it--God's role as a Father. Take a second and think about the characteristics of a dad. Maybe protective, strong, providing, loving, or respectful came to mind. With these characteristics in mind, take a step back to your Kindergarten classroom...

The day has finally arrived! On most "Show and Tell" days, you would jump out of bed that morning searching frantically for your most prized  possession. Whether it was a teddy bear, Barbie, or a toy car---you know it meant the world to your five-year old self. You spent hours playing with it, and most likely, you carried it absolutely everywhere. However, this day is different. Today, you were asked to bring a parent to "Show and Tell" to share about their career choice. You decide to bring dad. As it grows close to that time, the teacher asked everyone to go to the carpet. Just as you are sitting down, your dad walks in the door. You jump up, scream, "Daddy!!" (much to your teacher's dismay), and run to meet his open arms. As a Kindergartener, you care little about the classmates you bumped into or the trail of objects you knocked over in this process. Only one thing was on your mind--getting to your daddy.

After your "bear hug," you drag him to the carpet to sit next to you. You can hardly contain your excitement---your face is beaming and your stomach fills with butterflies. You want everyone else to know how incredible your dad truly is because you are proud of him.

What would it be like to be proud of our heavenly Dad? I mean, there's quite a lot to be proud of. Replaying this memory in my mind made me start to wonder were the Hebrews proud of  Dad?

1) Dad comes to rescue them by sending Moses.

2) Dad shocks the Egyptians by sending 10 different plagues (each one pertaining to an Egyptian god just so the Egyptians could pray to their gods and not be saved from the plagues--ultimately, bringing God glory).

3) Dad parts a whole sea in two.

4) Dad leads His children through the night with a pillar of fire.

Really the list goes on and on as His story unfolds. Even reading through this story again, our Father has reminded me of his protective and fatherly nature he has with his children. That hasn't changed. He feels the same way about me as he did with Moses nearly 3500 years ago! He protects his children. He provides for his children. He loves his children.

I'm proud to call him my Father and proud to be called his daughter.  

link to book:

 http://www.thestory.com/home

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Why Me?

I know I haven't posted in a while, but Christmas break was VERY busy! I was blessed with great time with my family and friends, an awesome first experience at the OneThing Conference, and a fun-filled trip to Estes Park, CO. However, I'm mainly going to be focusing on the OneThing Conference.

For a while now I've been following the 24/7 prayer room at IHOP (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City, but had never actually been. I had heard about OneThing (IHOP's winter conference), but for one reason or another I kept making excuses why I couldn't go. This year I decided that it was going to happen!! We got a small group together from our church and all met up there. 

 Recently, I had been feeling absent-minded in worship--like I was just going through the motions. Having experienced this place before, I'm aware of its effects. I knew I didn't want to fall into that again. Prior to the conference, I began praying for God to really stir my heart in worship again and to literally feel his presence. 

So, here's my experience...

Walking into the first worship session of the conference was completely overwhelming. As we were walking to our seats I was able to take in what 20,000+ people worshipping looked like. Scanning the audience, I could see people praying, singing, kneeling, laying, and dancing. Later that night, we came back for the evening worship session. I began praying for my heart to be inviting of his presence. I wanted to be real with myself and God--to genuinely sing praises, not empty words. Here's part of a journal entry I wrote on my experience that night:

"I felt your presence so clearly...I kept getting floods over my stomach...a warm sensation, yet cool at the same time. The waves happened several times...that was the first time I had truly experienced your presence...catching a glimpse of your heart and intentions for worship..."

During that time I also had a picture of my wedding day. I remember seeing myself standing at the end of the aisle preparing to walk to the altar, but I felt completely ashamed. My dress was tattered and torn, leaving my eyes fixed to the floor with feelings of unworthiness flooding over me. As I looked up towards the altar, I saw Jesus. He looked back at me with a radiant smile. He was beaming at the sight of me, even to the point of tears. I couldn't understand it. Why me? What is there to love about me? 

The next morning at the conference I felt extremely anxious. I decided to go down to the prayer room and journal--attempting to process through what was going on. As I began writing I realized I was feeling this way about the picture I had gotten the night before. Why me? What is there to love about me? Frantically flipping through my Bible, I found several verses stating Jesus' love for us. However, none of them answered the question why? 

I still don't fully understand why Jesus chooses to love us, but here are some conclusions I've come to since that day at the conference:

1) Jesus loves me because I was created for him. I was created as his bride. My purpose is being his lover. Just like a marriage, he desires me as a husband does. As the bride, I am pursued and adored by him. 

2) Before Jesus, God could not have a relationship with us because of our sin. His way to get rid of our sin was to send Jesus to die for us. "Christ suffered for our sins once for all time. He never sinned, but he died for sinners to bring you safely home to God. He suffered physical death, but he was raised to life in the Spirit" (1 Peter 3:18). 

I'm continuing to pray for more understanding of Jesus' love for me, but like I said before, I don't know if I will ever fully be able to comprehend it. His love is said to be boundless, indescribable, and limitless. Just thinking about those words humbles my heart towards him! 

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Running in Circles

These past couple of weeks have been incredibly busy. The semester is finishing up soon, and every single professor is trying to cram one more exam or project in before finals week. So, yes I've been a little stressed out. My time has been spread very thin. As a result, my time with Jesus has been pretty much non-existent. In the few times I have gotten to spend with him over the past couple weeks, my mind is either preoccupied or distracted. 

This morning I came to Jesus weak. I came to him with nothing to offer. I sat on the floor in my room just half expecting him to just instantly fill me up again. Almost like an energy booster--a quick fix. As I was sitting there, these words kept coming to me:

"My desire is for you."

I began praying with "Yes Lord, my desire is for you. I want that desire back. I want more of you." I kept praying, just expressing my need for Jesus again. In this desperate instance, the words came again. This time I heard: "No you're not getting it Jordan. My desire is for YOU."

 God, I want to learn how to accept your love. So often I forget about your love for me. I've gotten so caught up in my own life and even condemning myself for not desiring you more. This whole time you have been pouring out yourself to me, and I've been completely oblivious. I'm sorry. God, I feel like I've been running in circles. Tie me down. Tether me to your heart again. Right now I'm running around, but I can't slow down enough to understand even the direction I'm going. 

"I’m so forgetful, but You always remind me

You’re the only one who brings me peace

You’re the only one who brings me peace

So I come, Lord I come I come, Lord I come

To tell you I love you

To tell you I need you

To tell you there’s no better place for me than in your arms

To tell you I’m sorry

For running in circles

For placing my focus on the waves,not on your face."

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Chew

Recently, I had really been struggling with temptation. At this point, I was becoming somewhat frustrated with God. I was trying to pursue him, but I felt like I was getting nothing in return. I'd hit a "dry" spot and that was just something I was going to have to accept. In reality, I was still clinging to the pursuit of temptations and idols. I was giving these things the authority to be in the throne seat, not God. On the surface, ya it looked like I was trying to climb my way out, but a deeper root longed to drag me closer to the lesser lover. The devil took delight in sneaking in--trying to lure me away from my Love using attractive and inviting ideas. 

God gave me this image of a deep drop-off with a thin ribbon strung across it. There I was in the middle holding tightly to the ribbon dangling over this long fall. I couldn't even stand on the ribbon. The only way across was inching tirelessly along the fragile material. He revealed to me that the ribbon was the lies that had been spoken to me. I had found so much worth in them because of their flattering nature. What about God's words? They are like a strong metal that sits high above the canyon waiting patiently to be used. His words are unwavering, unmovable. Nothing can break through them, but the words of the tempter are easily cut or broken.

...I appointed you a prophet to the nations." Then I said, "Ah, Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth." But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a youth'; for to all to whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the Lord." Then the Lord put out his hand and touched my mouth. And the Lord said to me "Behold, I have put my words in your mouth..." Jeremiah 1:5-9

A couple of weekends ago at SCW (Spiritual Challenge Weekend), I read these verses during the extended quiet time. During my initial reading, I didn't understand their relevance. Jeremiah was a prophet. I'm a college student. But, when I heard the following words spoken over me, I understood the connection...

More, give me more child. I want to use you, but you have to let go.

In the midst of temptation I knew where I wanted to be, but I wasn't ready to let go. Was I really half-way expecting God to swoop in (like some cheesy, spandex-wearing superhero), clear up all the junk, and say I was good to go? Yep. However, here is the beauty of a relationship with God. This time He didn't just swoop down and pull me out of the pig-sty I had created for myself. He taught me how to crawl to the perimeter, so then he could gently lift me out. In this realization, I was reminded of Hebrews 5:14. "But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." I'm begging to go deeper with God. I've taken the milk, and swallowed. I've taken the baby food, and swallowed. Now He's sitting in front of me with something solid, and I scrunch up my nose and shake my head back in forth in refusal. Yes, I want to be challenged, but I'm afraid it will hurt. I'm afraid the filth from my past will surface. I'm afraid of being out of my comfort zone. I'm afraid I'll be exposed. 

Here's where the beauty of His grace can truly be seen. I confess that I've held back. I confess I like pushing my state of complacency to the very limit without ever breaking the barrier. God wants more...He's asking me for it, but I have to meet him. Why is the first bite of solid food seem so hard? God, with your grace, I'm ready to learn how to chew on solid food. 

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