Nigeria 2014 (this might be a little long...)

Well, it has definitely taken a while for me to get around to writing this post. After returning to the U.S., the next couple of weeks were filled with moving houses, a weekend away, a retreat, and a trip back to Oklahoma. Needless to say, it has taken me a little while to step back, take a breath, and begin to sort through exactly what all happened in Nigeria. The events of our final day there also added to the prolonging of this process.

In a typical day: 

• We would spend the morning working at the Egbe E.C.W.A Hospital assisting in the  Samaritan's Purse Revitalization Project . We organized and painted a large supply room, prepared houses for incoming missionaries, and inventoried large shipping containers. This allowed for some quality bonding time for our team. 
• In the afternoon, we would go up to the HELP Care Center to be with the kids. The Care Center is home to 39 children (10 girls and 29 boys). Our main focus was getting to know the kids and building discipleship-like relationships with them. We also worked with the kids on their math and reading skills through tutoring times (sometimes twice a day). 
• Each Wednesday, we split the younger kids into two different age groups and taught a lesson. The lessons focussed on different truths about who God is in regards to His love for us as orphans.  
• Each Thursday, we went to the hospital to help one of the missionaries prepare bags of food to pass out to patients and their families. When we delivered them in each of the hospital wards, we prayed over patients and one of our team members would sing a "special number."
• Each Sunday, we loaded up the Care Center bus with all 39 kids and missionaries to go to church at the Chapel of Blessing. This included much dancing and singing (even dancing down the aisle to place our offering in the basket at the front!). 

The Chapel of Blessing

Now for a couple stories...

The first story begins with Dupe, a slightly shy, but energetic 8 year old girl. Dupe and I formed a friendship early on in the first week. Throughout the three weeks she rarely left my side. One evening Dupe runs over to me. She looks at me and says “your legs”—motioning at my crossed legs as she waits patiently for me to uncross them. She then proceeds to crawl up into my lap. Then, she looks at me and wraps her arms around my neck as she snuggles up under my chin, and there she stays for a few minutes. I felt a love for her that I’ve never felt before as I wrapped my arms around her small frame. In that moment, I felt like the Lord spoke, And this is how I feel about you. I love when you crawl up on my lap to just sit in my presence. I love to love you my child. That’s when I realized that the Lord wanted to give me a glimpse of his heart as a Father.

Dupe

One morning during my time with the Lord, I began reading in John 14, “In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?” As I was reading this I began to actually feel a glimpse of his heart for his children. I felt pretty strongly that he wanted me to share this truth with one of the girls. Later that day, I ended up sitting with Titi (an intermediate girl). I had never really talked with Titi, but I could feel the Lord’s hand in our conversation, so I asked her if I could share something that I had been thinking about recently. I shared the truth that God is the perfect Father and how he cares for us as his children. In his house, we find a real sense of security and safety—a sense of belonging that we were made for. When I finished sharing with Titi, she turned to me and said, “Oh, I really really like that story!”

Titi

I would have to say my favorite part of the trip was going to the hospital each week to pray for patients and their families. Before the trip, I had felt that the Lord asked me to pray for confidence. I had no idea what that would look like, but I prayed nonetheless. However, it became clear in each of our visits to the hospital wards. At times it felt like I was just opening my mouth and the Lord provided the words. He revealed to me that my prayers really could have power and authority over sickness and discouragement. I became alive during these times because I felt as if I was truly partnering with what the Lord wanted to convey to the patients and their families. He grew me in confidence in order to be more effective for his purpose. It was times likes these and several others that affected me deeply.

And then the accident...
I woke up Monday morning (the day of our departure) with swollen eyes marked by the large amount of tears shed the night before. Sunday was spent rejoicing over friendships, yet mourning over our soon departure. That morning, I remember being very decided that I was no where near ready to leave. We all piled in the missionary van that would carry us for 6-7 hours to the airport, where we would wait another 6 hours to board our plane. The roads in Nigeria are filled with potholes, so the driver too his time  articulately maneuvering in between. However, about an hour and a half into our trip we gained speed on a short stretch of road that was rather smooth as we entered a village. Jenni, our team leader, noticed that our van was approaching a parked car slightly off to the shoulder as we travelled at approximately 50-60mph. The instance she realized the driver did not see the parked van, she yelled out the driver's name and hit his shoulder. Seconds later we slammed into the back of the parked van and our whole team was thrown from our seats. Nigerians fled to the scene as they started aiding the team out of the smoking vehicle and making arrangements to get us to the nearby clinic. Luckily, our team was not too severely injured. After a few team members got stitched up and a new van was retrieved from Egbe, truly by the grace of God, we made it to the airport with only 20 minutes to spare.

And how I feel now...
Arrival back in the U.S. was pretty difficult for me. As I said earlier, I was not ready to come home. I attempted to reject certain parts of the American culture, but that didn't last long. The Lord gave me a pretty strong wake-up call when I was at the retreat. I was spending the morning with him while processing through different parts of the trip. I realized that I was having a hard time adjusting back to our culture and being here mentally. I would say about 90% of me was still attached to Africa, which isn't completely helpful when trying to plan, pray about, and seek vision for everything happening here. But the Lord gently led me to John 21 where Jesus asks Peter a few questions. "Peter, do you love me?" "Yes, Lord; you know that I love you." "Feed my lambs." As I was reading, I couldn't help but imagine the Lord asking me this question. I feel as if I would respond similarly to Peter in this situation, but then the Lord showed me that my heart was divided. His "lambs" are not only the precious friends I met in Nigeria, but the students of Texas A&M, co-workers, homegroup members...everyone in between. I am grateful for the discipline of the Lord, and I'm definitely excited about what this semester holds. I know I don't have to let go of a single thing that happened in Nigeria, but the Lord has placed me here for now. 

So here I'll be. 

This is our beautiful team dressed up for the high school graduation. This picture doesn't have to do with anything really--I just like our clothes. 

Photo Credit: Jenni O Photo

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Why I'm Ok With Being Unprepared

Things have been a little hectic recently. I'm attempting to pack up everything to move, while also attempting to pack for my upcoming trip to Nigeria. I included this picture of the current state of my room to prove a little of the chaos. More than that, I feel like my room pretty much illustrates what I've been feeling recently...unprepared. 

In less than two days I will be leaving for Nigeria. It seems a little surreal considering I've now been praying about this trip for almost a year now. It's finally here, and...I feel unprepared. Confusing, right? My instinct tells me that I should be beyond ready for this trip after all this time thinking, praying, learning, and training. About three weeks ago, I experienced some puzzling emotions towards the trip to Nigeria. Why exactly am I going again? What good am I going to do there? Especially in this place of complacency, I have nothing to offer.  I felt the Lord calling me to a time of fasting and prayer. I thought, "This will be great, the Lord will show me exactly what I need to be prepared...maybe he'll make some sense of this."

He did make sense of things. 

During those three weeks, the Lord revealed to me that I'm right where he wants me...unprepared. I felt like he asked me Jordan, will you allow me to use you? Will you be bold for me? Will you speak when I ask you to? Prayer when I ask you to? And that's when it began to make sense. Preparation comes in my willingness to be obedient. Will I go places he asks me to? Will I open my mouth to speak a word of encouragement to someone? Will I act on that feeling that someone needs prayer? Will I obey? He is going to use me if I act in simple obedience (whether I'm prepared or not). After all, he can use me much more in my weakness than in my independence and overconfidence. 

As I was discussing the glory of the Lord with a friend, the Lord reminded me of Lazarus being raised from the dead (John 11). Jesus definitely had the power to heal Lazarus when he became sick, but how much more glory does raising a man from the dead bring the Father? Jesus even turns to Martha at one point and says, "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?"  The choice is simple: be willing in weakness. He will provide the rest (and glorify himself in the process!). 

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Find a Friend

What is friendship? Simply enough, it is the state of being friends.

What makes a friend? Being attached by feelings or affections and being a supporter of someone.

According to the dictionary. 



Thinking about my own friendships, I feel like there is definitely more to this definition.

When entering into a friendship you usually begin with talking, right? Or maybe you begin with attempting to gather information about this person by "browsing" their social media profiles. But, in the end you still don't really know them...you know about them. (Remember: talking, not stalking.) And again, you can't just stand next to someone with your lips clamped shut and automatically understand their whole life story by way of social osmosis.

You can, however, invest in beginning a friendship by setting apart time to hear their story from the beginning. This goes deeper though. You don't just hear a good story, you hear how it has affected them, how they've been shaped by it, what has hindered growth, what has ignited growth. As you pursue friendship, you begin to pick up on what they like and dislike, what moves their heart and what hurts it. You begin to understand their quirks, sense of humor, habits, and tendencies. You begin to know their heart, not just know about their person.

This past week I was both challenged and encouraged by a teaching on friendship with Jesus. Friendship was described in the following way: 

Think of one of your dearest friends. You spend time laughing and crying with each other. You can sit completely silent in their presence or engage in deep conversation that stirs you. Most would say they would "take a bullet" for this friend. However, when we look at our friendship with the Lord, would we really take a bullet for him? Some say in a moment that, yes, they would in fact face death for Jesus. Is this what we actually believe, or is it what we want to believe? Do we really know Jesus well enough to "take a bullet" for him? When it actually came to that vital moment, would we follow through?

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends...No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends...You do no choose me, but I chose you..." -Jesus 

I'm not sure how many times I've read through these verses in John, but I do know that I seemed to miss Jesus' beautiful invitation to commune with him in friendship. Yes, Jesus is the ultimate friend who laid down his life for us, but what role do we play? After all, friendship isn't a one-sided phenomenon. We play the role of just that, a friend. 

We begin by sitting at his feet and hearing his story again, but maybe this time hearing it with a heart pursuing friendship, not knowledge. Maybe this time we hear it as told by the Son of Man, who actually walked the same earth on which we sit, in awe of the fact that he chooses to call us friends.  Maybe this time we will allow ourselves to be stirred as he shares about his love for his friends from every tongue, tribe, and nation. Maybe we will begin to partner with his heart for his billions of friends that don't yet call him friend. And, maybe this time we will be humbled by his perfect example of friendship and shift our eyes to the beauty of who he really is, finding a friend in him. Maybe, he will find a friend in us. 

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Don't you see you can trust Me?

The past few days I have been very anxious. My thoughts have been racing a million miles and hour, yet I haven't had the strength to sit in silence before the Lord. Knowing that I hear the Lord most clearly through music, I sat myself down at the piano. I started singing about my weakness before the Lord when I felt like he gave me this chorus. He sings over me, "Don't you see, you can trust me? Won't you lean on me?" He invites me into his presence where there is peace and stability. All he asks is for me to come sit at his feet and soak in his goodness.

Here's the link: 
https://soundcloud.com/jordanmiller-9/prophetic-dont-you-see

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Immensely in Awe

I realize I haven't written in a while...

BUT that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it. As someone who used to write daily (sometimes twice a day) in her journal, I've definitely still been thinking about writing. However, life as of recently has been...hmm what's the word to describe it? oh...a whirlwind.

I'm slightly in shock. I'm immensely in awe.

The Lord has been moving in ways I would never had expected...

OneThing Conference. This Christmas break, I got a chance to travel with College Station House of Prayer to Kansas City, MO to attend this conference hosted by the International House of Prayer. I wish I could explain ever detail of what the Lord did at this conference, but here's the gist.  

During one of the morning worship sessions, I felt like the Lord gave me this picture. I could see several different representations of things that have been filling my thoughts with anxiety. These would mostly be concerning my present and future. Suddenly all of those things were wrapped up with some kind of clear covering, so that they were suddenly contained. I saw the Lord's hand then reach down and wrap around the covering, so I could no longer see the things underneath. His hand became the focus in an instant. As I was thinking about this later that day, I feel like the Lord reminded me of Psalm 107. 

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south. 

(Psalm 107: 1-3)

Later into the conference I felt like I got a another picture. In this one, I saw two hearts. At first the image was slightly blurred (similar to being at the optometrist when they ask you to align the two letters). The two hearts came into focus as they moved towards each other. Finally, the hearts aligned and the one heart could be seen very crisply. I was asking the Lord what this meant, and I felt like he was showing me something to the extent of "I'm aligning your heart with mine. I'm bringing you in from the corners of yourself." The Lord is bringing me back to his heart!! Go back and read verse 3 of Psalm 107. He's gathering me in from the east, and from the west, and from the north and from the south so that he can unveil the aligning of my heart with his.  

Me, Rose, and Julie. 

 The huge group from College Station. 

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Women's Retreat. Over this past weekend my church, as well as the campus churches from UNT and Texas State, gathered at Messiah's Ranch for a great weekend of fellowship and encounter with the Lord. 

I came to the Saturday morning worship session somewhat checked out and pretty distracted. I knew that we would be having time to spend with the Lord after the session, and I was more eager to find a perfect "spot" than to listen to the morning session (if I'm being honest). However, the Lord very unexpectedly softened and open my heart up to him in that time. The last worship song we sang was "Never Once." While I've sang this song probably dozens of time, it has never moved my heart like it did that morning. The lyrics say "never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful. You are faithful, God, You are faithful." And that's exactly what awakened my heart--the Lord's faithfulness. 

I went out to find my "perfect spot" for quiet time, but I was definitely caught up in the movement of my heart rather than my feet. I opened my journal and just started thanking the Lord for his faithfulness. The time felt like reminiscing with an old friend over all the sweet times in our friendship...

• how You rescued me from a time of depression and feeling like I can't fight the devil's lies
• how when I asked You for my dad's heart to be changed towards missions and our family, you decided that his salvation was really what he needed
• how You gently humbled me and showed me a glimpse of poverty of spirit when I was consumed with looking down on myself and others
• how You rebuilt my relationship with my brother
• how You took away an obsession with winning and competition and replaced it with a new obsession with Your heart
• how You accepted me into a community I didn't know existed, when I just thought I was being accepted to my "dream" university
• how You always think that I'm enough even when sometimes I don't 
• how You replaced contentment with joy that makes me dance and sing without shame
• how You remind me of Your ultimate sacrifice as your biggest act of faithfulness, and Your plan of redemption and restoration for all of the earth   

The Lord has been extremely faithful. He remains faithful, and He will always be faithful. 

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations. (Deuteronomy 7:9)

Pure joy. 

The Ladies of Odyssey and Shibboleth. 

*Pictures taken by Barclay Bell and Rachel Mayes. 

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Divine Experiment

Leading up to the start of the Divine Experiment, I began asking the Lord to point out an area that I could surrender to him. When I felt like he kept bringing up coffee as a possible candidate, I was a little confused. (If your thinking that surrendering coffee to the Lord seems a little strange, then we have something in common.) Initially, I didn't see any disadvantages from my addiction to coffee (minus the expense). Coffee provides me with extra energy when my feet are dragging a little, gives me the attention span to decipher my professors' thick international accents, and acts as a great excuse to hangout with dearly-loved friends. However, when the Lord asked me to examine how often I turn to coffee instead of him for refreshment, I was taken aback. I quickly began to justify each  of the 3-5 cups/day I consume in order to quench my exhaustion.

I'll be honest. I didn't think coffee was something I could give up. Coming up with a million and one excuses to not include this area in my fast, I decided I'd fast from social media and "wait on the Lord" for something else...

Around the start of the second week, a friend asked me how my Divine Experiment was going, I told her everything (including how I had wanted to fast from coffee, but didn't feel strong enough). She really encouraged me to go ahead and try surrendering this area to the Lord and including it in the rest of the fast. So I decided I would cover the idea in prayer and go for it.

Day 1 with no coffee was absolutely horrible...I felt so sluggish the whole day. I wanted so desperately to just grab an iced coffee before class, so I wouldn't have to fight heavy eyelids. However, because of the Lord's grace I was able to resist hopping in line at the on-campus Starbucks to order my routine iced Americano. Now that those few minutes before class are not filled with scrolling through social media OR waiting in line for coffee, that time started to look a little different. I soon realized that in order to have the energy I needed to focus in class or at work I would have to rely solely on the Lord. Constantly reminding myself of this very fact focused my mind on what I was gaining through the Lord, rather than losing through my unattended newsfeed.

While, it didn't get any easier to turn down a delicious Mochalada during the third week, relying on the Lord did. Trust me, I learned that the Lord can provide way more energy than any $4 cup of coffee. By week 3, I truly believe my body switched from thriving off caffeine to being fueled by the joy of the Lord! 

Yes, I have returned to drinking coffee. But, when Day 22 rolled around I didn't jump on the opportunity. I now understand why in the world the Lord was asking me to give up my little "mug of happiness". HE wanted to fill my cup with himself instead. Let me be the one to bring you refreshment and new energy. Let me give you a joy that is overwhelming and long-lasting, not artificial and short-lived. So, while it may sound silly to say that the Lord works through your coffee addiction, I'm not going to deny the Lord's doing when it's right there in front of me.

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Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus, whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago.
                                                                                   -Acts 3:19-21 
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"Overwhelmed is My Soul"

Broken was my name. 
Ashamed was my identity. 
Pride was my excuse. 
Weakness was my reasoning. 
Empty was my soul. 

But then, then you broke through. 

Brokenness became my offering. 
Shame became detached. 
Pride became humbled at your feet. 
Weakness became confidence in your promises. 
Satisfied became my soul. 

And now, now I know. 

Chosen is my name. 
Redeemed is my identity.
You are my excuse. 
Your steadfast love is my reasoning. 
Overwhelmed is my soul. 

Thank you, Jesus. 

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Blinded

As I was reading through Acts this past week, I couldn't get this passage out of my mind. Take a look at Acts 9. Right before this chapter we find out that Saul has basically been beating down people's doors and dragging them off to prison just for believing in Jesus. In chapter 9 he decides to continue onward to Damascus in pursuit of a similar goal. At this point, Saul's biggest concern and probably most prevalent thing on his mind is persecuting the name of Christ.  However, little does he know, the name of Christ is the very thing that will soon shatter all other indulgences. He will soon become wrecked by Jesus and indulge in his beauty alone. Out of fear, Saul crumples to the ground and timidly asks, "Who are you Lord?" After this interaction Saul opens his eyes, but he sees nothing. He has been blinded by the very luminescence of the Lord.

Recently, I've been asking that very same question myself. Who are you Lord? Honestly, I felt like I had kind of lost sight of who Jesus is. With that, came an avoidance of really calling on his name. However, the Lord definitely answered that prayer this last week by revealing his role in this passage. The Lord temporarily blinded Saul, forcing the once prideful and seemingly supreme man to fall to the ground in humility and absolute fear. What does this have to do with me? Unfortunately, I was not physically blinded by the presence of God. However, the Lord magnetized my attention to him in a different way. This past Friday morning at AMP (A.M. Prayer) a lot of the set was focused on how truly worthy Jesus is of worship. We sang through lyrics about the beauty of Jesus, the glory of Jesus, and his incredible worth. In the middle of that set, it hit me. Everything else became irrelevant, as every word that left my lips became the absolute desires of my longing heart for my King. All I wanted was Jesus, nothing else could satisfy. I was rightly blinded by love for him. I fell in love with Jesus again. 

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Post LT Depression?

LT-life: beautiful Estes Park, Colorado, prayer, deep conversations, worship, Jesus, restoration, healing, community, and woodland creatures.

Post-LT life: humid College Station, TX, exhausting, Calculus, Physics, Statistics, tutoring, homework, reading, and Google Calendar.

If you are reading this you are probably thinking to yourself, "Yep, that's definitely post-LT depression." And I would happen to agree with you...to an extent. The sad reality is that, yes, eventually all of my friends from other universities would have to return to their respective states and carry on with life. I would be lying to say that I don't truly miss my friends, but being back in the "real world" has forced me to integrate my experiences at LT into the craziness of life in C-Stat. While College Station is absolutely nothing like the beautiful scenery of the Rocky Mountain National Park, I'm beginning to appreciate it for its own unique beauty--a beauty that exists past the tan concrete buildings and oak trees that populate the campus. (I'll get back to that in a minute.)

My first week of class was not what I really had in mind. I found myself going in and out of minor panic attacks during class when the professor would ask if there was anyone who wasn't an engineering major in the room. Me and a few others would timidly raise our hands. Obviously I'm the odd one out, which left me questioning. Am I smart enough to be in these classes? Is this all really worth it? More importantly, is this the track the Lord wants me on? Outside of class, I took a job as a math tutor in Peer Academic Services. So with work and class combined, I'm stuck on campus for most of the day. Add homegroup responsibilities on top of that, and that creates one stressed out college student.

However, I did say that I'm learning to appreciate the beauty of where I'm at. If you read any of my blog from this summer, you've probably heard me talk about a passion for the lost stirring in my heart. Well, nothing new there. It's still a stirrin'. What is new is how it's affecting my life at A&M. Prior to this summer, I sat in my classes (like most students do) and never as much as looked in the direction of the individuals sitting 4" away from me on either side. Prior to this summer, I was under the assumption that the majority of students at A&M were Christ-following disciples. Prior to this summer, I believed that all international students wanted nothing to do with Americans. However, I've learned that, yes, humans do like to interact with other humans (shocker!). Everyone likes to feel cared about and paid attention to. So, long story short, this summer has completely changed my perspective of how I view the campus of Texas A&M University. I'm beginning to understand that God is a much bigger part of the "college experience" than I had ever imagined.

As for feeling overwhelmed already, that's a lack of trust on my part. I still feel pretty strongly that the Lord is calling me to be a high school educator, so I'm kind of required to accept the challenge of the courses that seem like too much. I've realized, after this week, that this semester is going to take a lot of dependency on the Lord.  I have a gut feeling that he's planning on growing me in that area even more than he has in the last 3 months.

So...post-LT depression? Maybe a little, but I'm beginning to see the beauty of where the Lord has me.

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LT (Week 11)

Well, I started my last work week Friday. As I'm trying to hangout with as many people as possible before we go back to our respective campuses, I'm reminded that this is "getting real". Soon, several of the people I've been living with and working with everyday for the past 3 months will not be returning to Texas with me. I knew it was bound to happen, but it's just becoming more and more undeniable. I think I am in a slight state of denial though. I'm sure as I drive out of the mountains for the last time this summer in 7 days, it will hit me...

This week has been pretty difficult. A couple insecurities have crept into my thoughts as I'm attempting to stay focused on keeping a positive attitude about being here. I've been writing for a couple weeks about my struggles with being present, but I think I've about hit a breaking point. I feel exhausted from being here (spiritually and physically). It should be no surprise to me that in a place of weakness, I'm vulnerable to attack. But, for some reason it took me a little by surprise. I quickly turned to self-condemning thoughts--telling myself that I've already accepted freedom from these things. While this is completely true, the enemy loves to twist even the acceptance of freedom.

However, this week was not difficult for negative reasons alone.

Several weeks ago I had mentioned that a couple relationships with different people had been put on my heart. I had written, "I'm afraid to go deeper in complete fear that doing so would be neither received or appreciated." Well, the Lord pretty clearly labeled that statement as a lie this week. This week the Lord gave me a renewed hope for those relationships. It doesn't mean the strengthening process is easy---it never is. At first, I experienced every single type of emotion when thinking about these relationships. However, through processing with the Lord's help, I've been able to see the bigger picture of what he's doing. Things are being pieced together, and it's a beautiful picture. I truly trust the Lord now. I can see how he's already bringing restoration to these areas, and it is so so sweet.

Some pics from this week:

My awesome project group after we bought these lovely clothes for each other from a thrift store.

My precious lifegroup (Tierra, Alaina, and Jessie). 

Some of the International students I've met this summer. 

During the making of our Avengers-themed project group video. 

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